Losing a child changes you in ways nobody can prepare you for, and nine years after saying goodbye to my son Sam, I’m still learning that every single day. July 1st, 2026 was his 9th heaven anniversary, and this year I wanted to do something a little different. I wanted to pull together the 9 biggest lessons this grief journey has taught me, one for every year I’ve walked without him here.
What 9 Years of Losing a Child Has Taught Me
If you’re new here, friend, let me be honest with you about something first: I am not writing this from a place of having it all figured out.
I’m writing this from nine years in, still walking, still learning, still leaning hard on Jesus every single day. This grief journey doesn’t come with a manual, and I wish so badly that neither of us needed one.
In this post, I’m walking you through the 9 biggest lessons losing a child has taught me:
>> From why the “firsts” wreck you
>> To why you’ll never really “get over it”
>> To the grief that no one talks about
I’m also going to share where hope fits into all of this, because it does, even on the hardest days.
By the time you finish reading, my prayer is that you feel less alone in whatever part of this road you’re on (whether you’re 9 days in or 9 years in like me), and that you walk away with a little more hope tucked into your pocket for the road ahead.
This post is all about losing a child and everything that grief has taught me along the way.
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It’s been 9 years since I held my son for the last time. On July 1st, 2017, we lost our 4-year-old son, Sam. This grief journey has been so hard, and it has taught me so much.
On his 9-year heaven anniversary, I wanted to bring you 9 things this journey has taught me over these past 9 years. If you have lost your child, I pray these lessons are an encouragement to you as we walk this road that nobody wants to walk. But we don’t have to walk it alone.
1. The Firsts Are Always the Hardest
The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas. The first birthday.
Every milestone that falls in that first year is going to be some of the hardest you’ll walk through. They’re all hard, honestly, but there’s something about that first year that hits differently.
Someone told me something early on that I still use to this day:
Instead of thinking of a milestone as one more without them, think of it as one more closer to them.
So your first Christmas without your child isn’t just a Christmas without them. It’s one Christmas closer to seeing them again. That small mindset shift won’t erase the hard, but it does put a little hope back in those hard milestones as we remember, this Earth is not our home.
2. We Don’t Just “Get Over It”
This is something I need you to hear clearly: This grief is not something you get over.
There are plenty of hard things in life we eventually move past, but losing our child isn’t one of them. Nine years in, I’m not over it, and I never will be. If anyone has asked you, “Isn’t it time you moved on?” please know that’s not how this works, and you don’t owe anyone that timeline.
Here’s the good news, though:
We don’t have to carry this alone.
Jesus is with us every moment. While we may not “get over it,” he can heal our hearts enough that we’re able to live again, fully, and with joy, even while walking in our grief.
3. He Really Is Close to the Brokenhearted
Psalm 34:18 says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted” and I have felt the truth of that verse over and over in this journey.
I heard a pastor say this one time: If God is everywhere, always, how can He be closer to the brokenhearted? Maybe it’s because He’s saved a little piece of His heart just for those of us who are broken and hurting.
I believe that, because I’ve felt it. Every burden that’s ever been too heavy, He has lifted it the moment I asked. Not once in 9 years has He left my side.
Related: How Close is God in Your Grief? 4 Ways He Shows Us He’s Near
4. Heaven Anniversaries Never Get Easy
I’ve walked through 9 heaven anniversaries now, and I won’t tell you it gets easier, because it doesn’t. My body almost seems to know the day is coming before my mind catches up. I just start feeling “off,” and then I realize why. It’s a hard, heavy, no-good, awful day, and I don’t think that will ever change.
What has changed is how I get through it. I take the day off work, because distractions (which are usually so helpful in grief) just don’t work on that particular day. We spend it doing Sam’s favorite things and celebrating his little life. I cry. And I make it through.
Here are some different ways you can get through your child’s heaven anniversary.
5. We Learn to Live With It, Not Move On From It
There’s no “moving on” from losing a child. It shouldn’t be this way. No parent should have to bury their child.
So instead of thinking of it as living without your child, think of it as carrying them with you. Everything you do from this moment until you see them again in heaven, you do for them and with them in your heart. Continuing to live isn’t leaving their memory behind. It’s carrying it forward.
6. Joy and Grief Can Live Together
Early in your grief journey, it can feel like you will never feel anything but pain and grief and sorrow. I remember thinking that in the early stages of my grief journey.
But 9 years in, I can tell you: you will laugh again. You will feel joy again. It will look different, and it will take time, but with Jesus healing your heart piece by piece, you can do it.
I think of my oldest son’s wedding day, one of the most beautiful days of my life, and also one where I ached deeply because Sam wasn’t there to be part of it. I felt extreme joy and extreme sorrow, tangled together, at the exact same time.
And that’s allowed.
Grief and joy are not opposites that cancel each other out. They can coexist.
7. There’s a Grief No One Talks About: Grieving Who You Used to Be
This one took me 8 years to name. Losing a child changes you into someone new, and for a long time I kept trying to reconnect with the version of me who still had Sam, trying to enjoy the things she used to enjoy, only to find they didn’t feel the same anymore.
Eventually I realized, it wasn’t the activities that had changed.
I had.
That’s a grief nobody warns you about. Grieving the person you used to be.
Naming it set me free to stop chasing her and start discovering who I am now. If you’re still here, God isn’t finished with you, and he has a new purpose waiting.
Related: The Grief No One Talks About: When Everything Feels Different After Loss
8. The Hope of Eternity Is a Powerful Weapon
1 Thessalonians 4:13 reminds us that we don’t grieve like people who have no hope, and our hope is this:
We will see our child again.
When they left this earth, it wasn’t goodbye. It was see you later.
That hope is what fuels every bit of healing, every laugh, every ounce of joy that returns. One day, when I see Sam again, I will never have to be apart from him again, not for all of eternity. And that hope exists because of what Jesus did on the cross, defeating death so we could live in eternity with everyone who has gone before us, including our child.
9. You Cannot Do This in Your Own Strength, But He Can
This might be the biggest lesson of all 9 years. I cannot do this on my own.
If it depended on my strength, I would have given up a long time ago. But Jesus never grows weary, and every single time I’ve called out to Him, He has been right there. He hasn’t just watched from a distance over these 9 years. He sat with me from the very beginning, saw the whole road ahead, and said, “I’m here. I will never leave you.”
And not one time have I had to carry this alone.
More Ideas for Healing After Losing a Child
Conclusion
These are the 9 lessons losing a child has taught me over the past 9 years, and I know there will be many more ahead. Wherever you are in your own grief journey (nine days, nine months, or nine years in), I want you to hear this:
You can make it through.
You know how I know you can? Because you know where your strength comes from, and it’s not from you. You are not walking this alone. Even on the days it feels like everyone else has moved on and no one understands, He does. He will never leave you, not for one moment.
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