Finding joy in life after losing a child can seem impossible. Joy and grief do NOT seem like they belong together. However, I have found ways to infuse joy back in my life, even after losing my child. And I’m so happy to share these with you so you can find joy as well!
Finding Joy in Life After Losing a Child
After I lost Sam, the pain and the grief and the sadness that took over completely changed who I was. Before I lost Sam I was a very positive, “glass half full” personality. However, losing Sam brought a level of sadness and grief and pain into my life that completely changed me.
I remember looking at my phone’s most used emojis. Before I lost Sam the top emojis were always either the laughing emoji face 😂 or a red heart ❤️
That was me. Happy and full of love.
After losing Sam my top emojis changed. At that time when I looked at my phone, my top emojis were the crying face 😭 and the broken heart 💔
That is who I became. Broken and grieving.
I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.
When you walk through grief, joy can feel like a distant emotion. So in this post I want to bring you five things I did in my own journey to help bring a little bit of joy back into my days, into my heart, into my life after we lost Sam.
I pray that after reading through these ideas, you can find one to start implementing into your life today!
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Is There Another Side to the Pain?
I know what you’re feeling. It feels like you’ll never be able to feel joy or happiness ever again, because the pain and the grief and the sadness are so deep. Is there even another side to the pain?
But I’m here, on the other side looking back to you…
You who are still in the darkness…
You who are still in the middle of that pain…
You who are trying to navigate through that deep grief and your shattered heart…
I’m looking back to you saying:
There is joy. There is happiness. You will see the sun shine again.
Do you know how I know this?
Because you’re going to get through it the same way I did – completely, 100% relying on Jesus.
He has the strength to carry you through that valley, through that darkness, into the light. It’s a process that won’t happen overnight. But if you keep walking with him, keep letting him pour out his healing on your heart, you WILL make it through.
The Difference in Joy After Grief vs. Joy Before Grief
These five things that I did brought some joy back into my life, however, it was a different kind of joy. You see, the joy you feel after child loss will be completely different than the joy you felt before you lost your child.
That joy that I had before I lost Sam, I have never felt again.
Because we are not the same, you and me. We are not the same and so every emotion we feel, everything we experience from that point on, is going to be different.
You CAN feel joy again, but it will not feel or look the same as it did before. I always say that the joy and happiness I feel is always tinged with sadness. Like there’s always this outer layer of sadness to my joy because Sam is not here to experience life with us.
But feeling joy in life again is worth pursuing friend! Even if it’s mixed with sadness. Even if you feel both at the same time. It’s how we can keep living with this grief.
Which brings me to my first point…
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Joy Again
Feeling joy after grief can almost feel like you’re doing something wrong.
I remember the first time I laughed after I lost Sam. I almost felt bad about laughing and feeling joy. I was like, “Why am I laughing right now? I just lost my son. I shouldn’t be feeling happy. I shouldn’t be feeling this.”
If that’s you, if you have felt bad about feeling happy or feeling joy, I want you to give yourself permission.
>It’s okay to feel joy.
>It’s okay to laugh.
>It’s okay to be happy.
That’s an important part of learning how to live after you lose your child. If we’re going to have to live with this loss for the rest of our lives, then we have to learn how to feel joy and happiness again. Be okay with feeling it. AND be okay with wanting to feel it.
I know you’re thinking, “Courtney, that wasn’t very tactical.” But I believe we can’t even get to the tactical things you can do without touching on this point.
Because you can read all of these tips, but if you haven’t given yourself permission to feel joy and be happy again, then it won’t matter. I believe this is an important foundation we need to lay before we start talking about the tactical things you can do.
Plan Something to Look Forward To
Being on this grief journey can feel like an eternity, especially when we start thinking about the rest of our lives without our child.
How in the world are we going to make it?
First, we need to bring our mind in. Don’t think about the rest of our lives. That’s too much. That’s too heavy. We’re just going to focus on right now. And if you’re in the early stages of grief, just focus on your next breath. That’s all you’ll be able to handle.
Okay, so we’re just focusing on today. That’s great! However, I do think it’s important to plan some things that you can look forward to.
+Maybe it’s a vacation.
+Maybe it’s a weekend trip.
+Maybe it’s a day trip to go see your friend.
+Maybe it’s to go to a park that you love to hike.
Plan it! Put it on your calendar. Doing this will give you something that you can look forward to.
Our favorite place on this planet is the beach. Any time we have a beach trip planned, just thinking of the trip coming up brings so much joy to my heart. It gives me something to look forward to.
Will you have sadness during your trip or outing? It’s very possible.
But will you have good times? Will you have times where you laugh? Will you have moments of joy? Yes!
Even if those moments are tinged with sadness, the memories you make and the joy it brings to your heart is so worth it.
It’s okay to feel both happiness and sadness during these times. And going into these events knowing, I might feel sad during this trip. Or it might be hard going without my child. All of that is okay! It’s okay to feel both of those emotions together.
Treat Yourself
This grief journey that we’re on is so very hard. It affects every part of us: physically, mentally, and emotionally. So one thing that I believe can really bring some joy to your life is to do something for you. Do something that brings you joy and happiness.
What this looks like is so personal. But a good place to start is to try to think if there’s been something lately that you said you would love to do or love to buy, but didn’t do it.
That could be a great thing to treat yourself with!
Whether it’s something free, like going to a hiking trail you love or driving to that cute little downtown near you and walking by all the shops.
Or it could be something you actually purchase for yourself or a place that has an entrance fee but that you’ve been wanting to go experience.
This can fit into wherever you’re at in life. What you do isn’t as important as actually doing it.
I know as mothers we can feel guilty about doing something for ourselves. Because that’s who we are. We put others first, our husband, our kids, our friends.
So I want you to give yourself permission to treat yourself!
Spend Time With Your Family and Friends
We’re not supposed to do this life alone and we’re not supposed to do this grief journey alone. Having a community is so important.
However, spending time with family and friends is hard to do if you’re not being intentional about it. Life is so busy, and if we’re not careful, we could look up and realize months (or even years) have gone by and we haven’t seen our family or friends.
That’s one good thing about finding a local church and getting plugged in there. You know that you’ll see all of your church family every week. It’s built in friend time!
If you’re in a place right now where you’re like, “Courtney I don’t have a church. I don’t have friends. I don’t have family.”, I definitely understand. Making friends is really hard, especially as an adult (and double especially as an adult dealing with grief).
There are different communities you can get plugged into to help you find these people in your life. If this is you, then I have a post all about places you can look to find a grief community.
Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is another emotion that feels opposite of the emotions that we go through when we lose a child.
Now I do want to say if you’re in the early parts of your grief journey, this might not be a tip for you just yet. You need to focus on just healing and surviving in the early days after losing your child.
However, whenever you feel like you’re ready, gratitude is a great thing you can do to bring some joy back in your life. Even if the only thing you can find to be grateful for is that you made it through the day, that’s still something.
It’s amazing what having a heart of gratitude can do to your outlook on life and to your levels of joy and happiness.
If having gratitude in your grief journey is something you want to explore more, here are five ways to experience gratitude after child loss.
More Ideas for Finding Joy in Grief
Whatever point stuck out to you in this post, I want you to go plan to do it and bring some joy back in your life.
>Don’t feel bad about feeling that joy and that happiness.
>Be okay with feeling both joy and sadness.
>And remember, this is a journey, friend.
We won’t be through with our journey until we get to heaven and see our child again. And until then, we have the promise of the strength of Jesus and the love of God in our grief to fall back on.
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