Dreading Get Togethers After Losing Your Child? Tips on Preparing For and Making it Through Holiday Parties

Making it through holiday parties and get togethers after losing your child is so hard. Having to make small talk in a room full of people can feel like too much. Here are some tips on what you can do to prepare for the party and to make it during the party, even if it feels impossible.

December is a very hard month for me. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. Now, after losing my son, Sam, I just find it so hard to get through.

I think it’s because every other holiday we go through is just one day. You know, like Thanksgiving Day, 4th of July, Easter – all of these holidays are just one day. One day to get through.

But Christmas lasts the entire month of December. It’s full of get-togethers and traditions and things that are constant reminders of our child not being here.

Today, I wanted to hone in on one of the hard things that we have to face in the month of December: holiday parties. Holiday get-togethers with family, with friends, and at our church.

December is full of parties.

How to Make it Through Holiday Parties While Grieving

Attending parties and get-togethers while you’re walking through grieving, especially in those first few years, is very difficult.

Losing a child takes a toll on you mentally, where it’s hard to process certain things. I feel like your brain is completely focused on making you survive because the grief that we feel after losing a child is so deep.

It takes such a physical toll on our body that our brain is really focused on helping us survive this, helping our body be able to function.

Now all of this is just a “Courtney hypothesis” here, just from having walked through it and now being on the other side looking back.

Doing things like getting in a room with a bunch of people, having to do small talk, when your brain is already so focused on just helping you survive, can feel impossible and overwhelming.

It makes you want to just sit on the couch and not go anywhere or do anything. And there is time for that. I believe we have to honor that. We have to honor the times that we just need to be. We don’t want to talk to anybody or do anything and I really feel like we need to honor that.

But I know there are times when we have to get out. There are times when we have family get-togethers that we need to go to. So how do we do it?

How do we make it through these get-togethers when all our brain wants to do is sit on the couch, watch Netflix, and do something mindless so we don’t have to talk to people?

So I wanted to bring you some tips on things you can do to prepare for any get-togethers you’re going to this season. Things you can do to prepare beforehand, and then things you can do during the actual party or get-together to help you make it through.

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What to Do Before The Party

What can you do before the get-together? How can you prepare yourself for this event?

Prepare Yourself Mentally that it’s Going to be Different

First, I want you to prepare yourself mentally. It’s going to feel different than it did before you lost your child. Before I lost Sam, I had no problem talking to people and getting out there. I loved going to get-togethers and different holiday events like this.

But after I lost Sam, it was just – I can’t even explain it. I’m a different person now. It’s harder for me to get out there and talk to people. I believe that losing a child changes you, and so you have to kind of rediscover who you are.

Who is Courtney post-losing Sam? Who are you now that you’ve lost your child? Now that you’ve had to walk through something so life-altering that it completely changes you?

So, you have to figure out who the new you is. One of the things to understand is that this is going to be different. Go into this get-together, this party with friends – especially if it’s something you’ve attended every year – knowing it’s going to be different.

It’s going to look different, it’s going to feel different, and you are different.

I think just going in with that expectation, with that understanding, will be super helpful.

That way, you’re not expecting it to be like it was before, or thinking you’ll feel the same way as the last time you went to this get-together. Because it’s not going to be the same.

You’re different. You’ve walked through something that has changed you, so you’re not going to feel the same.

So, the first step is saying to yourself, “Okay, this is going to look and feel different, because I’m different now.” I feel like that’s an important first step – letting go of the expectation that it’s going to be the same.

Find Your Person

Next, I want you to think: Is there someone there who really understands how I’m feeling? Someone who truly gets it, who doesn’t expect me to be happy if I’m not feeling it, who doesn’t expect me to be the same way I was before?

That’s the person I want you to stick with during the party.

They’ll understand if you’re not really smiling or if you’re not laughing at jokes. They’ll get it. I think they will be like an anchor for you to help you get through.

Once you think of a person, I want you to reach out to them before the party. Let them know, “Hey, this get-together we’re about to go to is going to be hard for me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through, so I might really need your help.”

Just reach out to them and ask. I know they’ll be willing to help. You can make a game plan before you go (more on this below) and just have someone there who understands, without you even having to say anything.

Bring Something You Love

The last tip I have for before the party might seem a little silly, but I think it could really help. I want you to bring something that you love to eat or drink to the party.

I know this won’t really help you get through everything, but if you have something there that really brings you joy to eat, then bring it and enjoy it.

Maybe that will bring a little bit of joy to you in an otherwise hard situation. I know it seems small, and maybe even silly, but I really feel like it would help.

If there’s a certain Christmas treat that you love to make or buy at the store, bring it. Fill your plate with it, eat it, and love it.

Don’t worry about how many calories you’re eating or if it’s going to make you gain weight. Just eat it and enjoy it. Even if you have to focus solely on your plate of food, that’s okay.

We just have to do the things that help us get through these hard situations.

What to Do During the Party

Okay, so you’ve done the work to prepare yourself before the party.

>You’ve prepared yourself mentally.
>You have your person there.
>You have your favorite thing to eat.

Now it’s time. It’s time to get dressed, get ready, and go.

So, how do you make it through?

Have a Place to go Escape to for a Minute

First thing I want you to do is to have a place to escape for a minute. If you’re there, talking to people, and you start feeling the walls closing in, and you’re thinking,

“Oh my gosh, I have to get out, I’m suffocating”…

Have a plan.

That could be going to the bathroom. Just say, “Hey, sorry, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” Go in, shut the door, take some deep breaths, close your eyes, and say a prayer.

Get your Lifesaver verse ready. If you’re new here, a Lifesaver verse is a Bible verse that keeps you from drowning. It’s a verse that you can repeat in your mind, something that connects your spirit with God and keeps you from going under.

I have a free download with different scriptures that you could use for your Lifesaver verse. You can grab that here. It’s completely free.

So when you go to the bathroom, you can close your eyes, repeat your verse, and connect with God. Feel that peace, and then go back out there.

If the bathroom isn’t enough and you feel like the walls are still closing in, step outside. You can say, “Oh, I left something in my car.” Go outside, go to your car, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and again, have your Lifesaver verse ready. Repeat it, then walk back in.

Do that as many times as you need to.

Don’t worry about what people think. If it’s close friends and family, they’ll understand.

If it’s a work party or something less personal, who cares what they think? You’re just trying to survive. If you need to step outside several times, that’s what you have to do.

People do it all the time when they take cigarette breaks during parties, so if they can do that, you can do this to make it through.

Have a Word Cue Ready

The last tip I have for making it through the party is something you would need to prepare a little before with your husband, but it will be helpful during the party.

I want you to create a word cue that you can use to let your husband know when you need to leave.

If you’ve already gone outside or to the bathroom and you still feel like, “Okay, I’m about to lose it, we need to go,” you can use this word cue as a signal.

When you tell him the word or phrase, he’ll know it’s time to leave. He can help make the exit, saying something like, “Oh, we’ve got something to do,” and then you can leave together.

If it’s not a party that your husband would go to, like a friend or a girl’s party, find a friend that you can tell your word cue to.

Even if you drove yourself, let them know the word or phrase and that it means you’ve reached your limit. They can help you make an exit, saying, “Oh, something came up, she had to leave,” if you just want to slip out quietly.

Having that word cue in place can be really helpful, knowing you have a way out if you need it. It doesn’t have to be a big scene. It can just be a simple slip out the back door if that’s what you need.

It’s Okay to Back Out

A final note I want to leave with you: it’s okay to back out. If you get ready and think, “Okay, I’m going to do this,” but then you get in the car or start getting ready and feel, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this,” it’s okay. It’s okay to back out.

I do want to say it might be good for you to get out of the house, but a party with a room full of people might be too much, especially if it’s the first Christmas or two after you’ve lost your child.

If you feel like you want to get out of the house but don’t necessarily want to be in a room full of people where you have to talk and make small talk, this post will give you some ideas of ways you can distract yourself.

Distractions are key in making it through our grief, but sometimes you want to do things that don’t involve going to a party or being in a room full of people.

So, if you want to get out but not to a crowded party, you can use those ideas. I think it’s good to get out, even if it’s just sitting in a car by yourself.

If, later on, you feel like, “Okay, I think I can do this party,” then you can use these tips to prepare yourself.

But, always give yourself permission to back out. The people at the party will understand.

Dreading Get Togethers After Losing Your Child? Tips on Preparing For and Making it Through Holiday Parties