If you’ve lost a child, have you ever been in a situation that triggered hard memories? How do you make it through? Here are five tips from my own journey that have helped me walk through these moments and make it to the other side.
Getting Through Triggering Situations After Child Loss
Recently my three-month-old daughter had an ultrasound that showed possible subluxation of the hip. We had to go to the orthopedic doctor at our local Children’s Hospital to get it checked out.
Children’s Hospital holds a lot of memories for me because I spent so much time there with Sam. Every time he had a seizure, we had to go there so they could monitor him after giving him medicine. I also took him there for his neurologist appointments.
So, going to that hospital always makes me think of Sam. Actually, even just being in the downtown area where the hospital is brings back those memories. The last time I was at that hospital was right after we lost Sam.
He had a neurologist appointment that was already scheduled, and my husband and I decided to go to it so we could talk to the neurologist about what happened. We wanted her thoughts on why we lost Sam and whether the care he received at our local emergency room, which was closer to us, would have been the same at Children’s. We just needed some peace of mind.
That was about two weeks after we lost him, and it’s been five years since I last set foot in that hospital.
I knew going into this appointment with my daughter that it was going to be hard and trigger a lot of tough memories.
How do you get through those hard, triggering situations?
Here are five tips from my own journey that have helped me walk through moments that triggered difficult memories. How did I make it to the other side? What steps did I take to help myself get through those times?
I can’t wait to share these tips with you because I know they’ll help you as you face situations that bring back those hard memories. My prayer is that this post blesses you and gives you the tools you need to walk through these moments in your own grief journey.
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Have your Lifesaver Verse ready
The first tip I have is to be prepared with your “Lifesaver verse.” Having my verse ready has been so important and crucial in my journey to healing.
In case you haven’t heard about it, a Lifesaver verse is a verse that you can cling to in this grief journey that will keep you from drowning – just like the floatable lifesavers they throw to you when you’re drowning in water.
This verse will be something you can hold onto to keep you from drowning emotionally and spiritually during hard times.
Do you need help knowing what Bible verse you should choose for your verse? I have a free download that lists a bunch of verses you can read through to pick your verse.
If you know you’re about to enter a tough situation, prepare by having your Lifesaver verse ready. Keep it in your back pocket, so when the waves of grief or difficult memories start to overwhelm you, you can pull it out and repeat it in your mind.
If you’re caught off guard and don’t have a verse ready, trust that the Holy Spirit will bring one to mind. He’ll bring verses you’ve read or heard before back into your heart when you need them the most.
For example, if something unexpectedly triggers a painful memory, like a simple task or an object that reminds you of your child, the Holy Spirit will prompt you with a verse that can anchor you. This is why it’s so important to lean on Him in those moments.
When you start to feel like you’re being pulled down emotionally, bring that Lifesaver verse into your mind, and repeat it over and over. You can do it quietly in your mind or even out loud.
Repeating it will keep you from sinking further into the sadness and darkness that those traumatic memories might bring. It will lift you up, helping you to stay afloat.
For me, during my miscarriages, I started using a Lifesaver verse that helped me after we lost Sam. We lost our first baby two weeks after we lost Sam, so all of the grief hit at the same time.
My lifesaver verse I clung to was Isaiah 26:3: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.”
I remember countless moments in those six months of loss when the sadness and grief felt so heavy. When I could feel that weight on my heart, I would repeat over and over, “My mind is stayed on you, my mind is stayed on you.”
As I kept repeating that verse, God brought me the perfect peace He promised in it.
So, when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember to reach for your verse and let it lift you back up.
Pray your way into it
Prayer is our direct line of communication with Jesus, and I truly believe it’s one of the greatest tools we have to help us through this journey.
If you know you’re about to enter a difficult situation, something that could trigger painful memories, cover yourself in prayer before you even get there.
Pray for the Holy Spirit to be with you, to walk alongside you, and to carry you when you feel like you can’t take another step. And I promise, He will. He’s so faithful.
I knew this before I lost Sam, but I’ve experienced it on a much deeper level since. When things get too hard, and you can’t move forward on your own, He will pick you up. His strength is never-ending.
While you’re in the middle of the situation – whether it’s an appointment, a significant anniversary, or just a hard time – keep praying. Ask for His strength to carry you through. He is always faithful, and He will do it. He’ll be with you through every single step, no matter how long or hard the journey is.
For me, times like Sam’s Heaven anniversary or the lead up to Christmas are always difficult, and they always require extra prayer. Those weeks leading up to those dates can be so heavy. But even during those seasons, God is there, carrying me through each moment.
Prayer is your lifeline.
Focus on one step at a time
When you’re facing a tough situation, it’s so easy to overthink every possible hard moment ahead of time.
I know that for me, before we even left for my daughter’s appointment, I could have easily sat down and thought, “This is going to be hard. Walking down those halls, seeing all the places I was with Sam, reliving those emotions—it’s going to be overwhelming.”
And before I even got in the car, I’d already feel emotionally drained.
If you catch yourself doing that, thinking about how hard it’s going to be, I want you to stop.
Take that thought, and tell yourself, “Not right now.” You’ll deal with it when you’re actually going through it, but don’t live out every potential hard moment in your mind before it even happens.
Just focus on the next step in front of you.
That’s how I approached my daughter’s appointment – just one step at a time.
As you’re taking each step, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up at that moment. Someone once gave me great advice after they had lost a child, and I’ve held onto it:
Feel whatever emotion comes up, but don’t camp out there. Don’t bottle it up or push it down – acknowledge it.
You might feel anger, sadness, pain, or heartache. Hold that emotion for a moment, almost like you’re taking it out in your hands and examining it. Say, “I feel you,” and let yourself cry, scream, or laugh, but then move on. Don’t stay stuck in that emotion.
For example, when I pulled up to the hospital last week, I parked and walked across the crosswalk – all of it brought back hard memories of Sam.
Then, something unexpected happened: on the way to the orthopedic office, I passed the room where Sam had his EEG done.
All the memories flooded back, and it weighed on me. I allowed myself to feel it. I let those feelings come, but I didn’t stay there.
As I was leaving, I passed the spot where I took a picture of Sam giving a thumbs up after his EEG.
That memory hit me hard too, but again, I felt the sadness, acknowledged it, and kept moving forward. I didn’t camp out in that place of grief.
Jesus is so faithful. He walked with me through each of those steps, and I know He will walk with you too. If you can’t take the next step, He’ll pick you up and carry you. Together, you’ll keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Give yourself lots of grace
If you know a situation is going to be hard, don’t expect to walk in and think, “I’ve got this. I’m strong enough to handle it.”
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that without Jesus, I’m not strong enough to make it through.
So, know ahead of time that it’s okay if it’s tough. It’s okay if it brings back memories. And you can fully rely on Jesus to get through it.
Come into the situation with grace for yourself. If you cry in the middle of it, that’s okay. Give yourself grace to feel those emotions. Cry if you need to.
If people look at you, then you can just tell them, “I lost my child” and you won’t have to say anything else.
You don’t have to try to hold it all together. Jesus will meet you in those moments, and with His strength, you’ll get through it.
Treat yourself when it’s over
This is my favorite tip. You made it through. You got through that hard situation, whatever it was. For me, it was the moment we got in the car and pulled away from that hospital. I did it. I made it through. It’s over. Now what?
Now I want you to treat yourself. I’m not above giving yourself a little something to look forward to at the end of whatever situation or time of year it is that’s hard for you.
This journey that we have to walk is so hard. There are so many hard parts to it, and it never ends.
So, anything you can do to bring some joy into your life, I say do it. If it’s ice cream, if it’s coffee, if it’s getting your nails done, going to the spa, going shopping, whatever will bring you joy – Do it.
Get through that hard situation and say, “When I’m done with this, we’re going to get a Blizzard at Dairy Queen,” or, “We’re going to get a fresh manicure or pedicure,” or whatever it is.
And that’s completely okay. Give yourself permission to do that.
If you only do one thing…
If I could tell you to walk away from this post and do one thing, it would be to figure out your Lifesaver verse. This is the verse you can pull out if you know you’re going into a hard situation. Just have that verse ready ahead of time.
So download my free printable, read through the verses, and pick out your verse.
For more detail on how to use this verse in your grief journey, click here.
Allow that verse to bring you the strength you need to get through your hard, triggering situation.
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