Have you ever had a time where you were angry with God? Is it okay to be angry with God? As Christians, we can feel like that’s not allowed. However, what God showed me during a time that I was angry with him might surprise you.
Getting Angry With God – Is it okay?
There were so many emotions I felt after losing Sam. One I wasn’t expecting was anger towards God.
I can’t be angry with God. It’s not allowed, right?
That’s exactly what I thought too. However, God gave me a revelation during that time in my grief journey that I believe will change the way you view anger.
So if you’re dealing with anger in your journey and your story and why things turned out the way they did, I believe this post will minister to you and encourage you.
This is my story of the revelation God gave me and how that revelation helped me get through the anger and to the other side of peace.
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The Many Emotions of Grief
There are a lot of emotions that we experience in this grief journey. And one of the emotions that I felt, and I know that you’ve probably felt too, is anger.
>Anger at the disease that took your child.
>Anger at the accident that happened.
>Anger at whatever situation caused you to have to walk this road and lose your child.
>And even anger towards God.
I know that being angry with God is not something that people like to talk about. As Christians we think we should never get angry with God. That’s what I thought too before losing Sam.
But losing Sam was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to walk through and caused me to feel so many deep emotions, including anger.
Cory Asbury had a clip of one of his songs on Facebook a few years back. You know when you hear a song and you can literally feel the lyrics of that song? That was this song for me. It’s a song that I literally can’t listen to without crying.
Here’s the clip of the song on Facebook if you wanted to listen to it.
And here’s the full song:
Here are the lyrics:
Sometimes marriages don’t work and sometimes babies die
Sometimes rehab turns to relapse and you’re left just asking why
And for all the prayers I’ve prayed I still wonder if He’s real
And if He is how is He choosing who He does and doesn’t heal
I’ve tried to run from Jesus, I’ve started holy wars
I’ve tried the patient waiting and the kicking down the doors
I’ve cursed his name in anger with my fist raised to the sky
And in return all He’s ever been is kind
The lyrics of this song are so raw and so real. For people who haven’t had to walk through a loss like we have, they might not understand some of these lyrics.
But losing your child, that could cause you to really question God and ask, “Why did it have to be this way”, and it could even make you angry.
But in return of all the questions…
In return of all the anger…
In return of all the hard emotions that we feel…
All he’s ever been is kind.
Why Did Jesus Cry?
We had just lost Sam and it was the days leading up to the funeral. I didn’t want to be in my house, so we went to my mom’s house and we stayed there for a few days.
One of those days I had gotten up and before I went upstairs where everybody else was, I had a moment alone to myself. And for some reason I started thinking about the story of Lazarus, particularly the part of the story where Jesus wept over his friend’s death.
I used to think that he cried because his friend had died. And then I stopped…
Jesus knew.
>He knew he was going to raise his friend up from the dead.
>He knew that his friend was going to be alive again.
>He knew all the pain his friends were feeling was about to be replaced with joy.
So why was he crying?
And then it hit me.
He was crying because his friends were hurting. He was sad because they were sad. He was hurting because they were hurting.
I believe that in that moment he felt their pain. And it hurt him so much that he stopped, and he cried with them.
After I had that revelation of this particular story in the Bible, I got a vision in my head. It was me on the floor. I was on my knees and I had my arms crossed over my chest and I was rocking back and forth. I was wailing and crying over Sam not being here.
And then kind of like in the movies it panned out, and behind me was Jesus. He had his arms wrapped around me and he was rocking back and forth with me… And he was crying.
He wasn’t crying because he thought he made a mistake. He was crying because I was crying. He was hurting because I was hurting. This road that I was having to walk that had completely shattered my heart, hurt him too.
So he sat and cried with me.
The Time I Was Angry with God
A few months before we lost Sam, we started trying to have another baby. And then we lost Sam, so of course I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of me being pregnant. Then one day I realized that I was late, so I took the test and it was positive.
I was so overjoyed thinking that I have this life that was given to me in the midst of such deep loss. However, then the unthinkable happened.
A week after we found out I was pregnant, I lost the baby.
The pain that I felt at that moment was too much. Because not only did I lose Sam, now I’ve lost this baby as well. After I lost Sam, I was devastated. After I lost the baby, I was just plain mad.
I remember saying to God, “You couldn’t just let me have this baby? You already took Sam and now you’re taking this baby too!”
I was so angry. And it was in that moment that I got another vision…
I was on the floor in the same position as before – on my knees, rocking back and forth. However, this time I was screaming at God. I was so angry and so hurt. And it panned out again and what did I see? Was I alone? Did Jesus leave me because I was angry with him?
No.
Jesus was behind me, holding me the same way that he held me when I was broken and hurting. I was screaming at him and he was still sitting there just holding me.
Whether I was crying because I was hurting or screaming at him in my anger, he was there, holding me in his love.
Psalm 145:17 says, “He is filled with kindness”, and it’s that kindness and that goodness that will hold you no matter if you’re on the floor wailing and crying out of your deep grief, or you’re kneeling on the ground screaming at him out of anger and hurt.
His kindness and goodness will hold you either way.
But is it okay?
Nothing makes sense after you lose your child. You will feel every single emotion that’s out there, including anger. If you’ve felt this anger that your baby is not here anymore, I want to encourage you that your anger does not scare God.
He can take it and more than that, I say he even understands it. He will hold you with his love until that anger goes away. He’ll never leave you.
I shared this story on my Facebook page and I had someone comment on my post. She said she had a similar situation happen with her when she got angry with God. She said she was waiting for lightning to come down and strike her because she was angry at God. But instead she felt him pull her a little bit closer and say, “Now this is real.”
Because friends he knows you. He knows every single part of you. So don’t you think he knows that you’re feeling angry?
He wants you to open up to him about it so he can minister to you. So he can pour out his peace on you and replace that anger with his peace.
I never got the answer to the question I screamed at God in my anger: Why did this happen?
I still don’t know.
But what I do know is that he has walked with me every single step of this broken road that I’ve had to walk. He has never left me, not one time. I would cry out to him and he would be there instantly with his peace.
So while I don’t know why and I never got that answer, the answer that I did get – that he is always there – is enough for me.
The Most Important Part of this Post – DON’T MISS THIS!
If you’re feeling that anger in your grief journey, that’s okay. Allow yourself to fully feel that anger.
But now here’s the most important part of this entire post…
Don’t stay there.
Don’t camp out in your anger because then you’ll grow bitter and that will turn you away from God – the only one who can help you get through this.
So feel the anger, let it all out, but then don’t stop there. Allow God to take that anger and give you his peace. Keep walking this journey. He will keep healing your heart until the anger is completely gone and in it’s place is his wonderful peace.
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