Getting through holidays and grief at the same time is so very hard, especially after you’ve lost a child. The holiday season brings back memories that are both joyful and hard all at the same time. While I can’t give you one thing to do that will take all the pain away, I do have seven tips to help you get through this season.
The holidays are coming, whether we’re ready or not. They come every year. They don’t care that you’ve lost a child and that the thought of celebrating a holiday without them is crippling.
- So what are you going to do?
- How are you going to get through this holiday season without your child?
I wish the answer was easy. I wish I could just snap my finger and make all the pain go away for all of us.
But as you know, it’s not easy. And we can’t just snap our fingers and take the pain away.
But don’t worry friend.
In this post you’ll find seven tips that will help you survive the holidays after losing your child.
How to Survive Both the Holidays and Grief
The holidays are very hard for me. They have been ever since we lost Sam. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. But after we lost Sam, it actually became my least favorite.
I think it’s because Christmas lasts for so long. All the other holidays are basically just one day and done. But Christmas, it’s at least a month long – if not longer.
It’s full of traditions and parties and get togethers that can be so hard to get through.
It was so hard having that many things that we had to do, things that we did to celebrate and Sam not being here with us.
So how do we get through? That’s the question, isn’t it? And while I don’t have an answer that will take all the pain away, there are some things I’ve done that have helped a little.
And maybe one of these things can help you get through the holiday season and maybe even have a little happiness through it.
Distractions
In your grief journey, distractions are a very good thing. Distractions help you from falling into that dark place in your mind that you can go to when there’s nothing but quiet, especially early on in your grief journey.
Related: Making it Through the Early Days After Losing Your Child
So what are some of the things you could do?
- You could leave the house.
I know sometimes that’s hard. Getting enough mental energy up to want to leave the house, to even be able to get dressed. And if you have other kids, getting them dressed and in the car.
It almost seems too much.
But sometimes that’s what you need to do. Sometimes you just need to leave. Where can you go?
- Family or friend’s house – If you have another family member or friend’s house you can go to, then just having a change of scenery could be helpful.
- Go for a walk – You know I’m a big fan of going outside for a walk. You could also go to the mall and walk around and window shop (or actually shop – no judgement here).
- Get something to eat – This can be as cheap or as expensive as you need it to be. Me and the boys would make a trip to McDonald’s a lot. You could go to a local coffee shop or a sit-down restaurant.
- Plan ahead.
If you know that there’s going to be a hard day coming up, then make plans for it well in advance. For me personally, I know that Christmas Day is a hard day for me.
I think the reason for this is that Christmas Day is go, go, go from the moment we wake up. Presents, stockings, Christmas breakfast. Everything is back to back to back.
And then all my kids disappear and go play with their new toys and I’m just sitting on my couch with the absence of Sam being so loud in my house.
And that’s not good for me. It’s a very big trigger.
But I know that now. So I’ve learned to make plans for Christmas Day.
So make a plan. Just say, okay, I know this day is going to be hard. Whatever day that is for you. Go ahead and make plans.
Tell your family – Okay, we’re going to do this on this day.
- We’re going to go look at Christmas lights.
- We’re going to go visit grandma.
- Or something that has NOTHING to do with Christmas – like, We’re going to go eat Chinese food.
Now, when you get home, it’s still going to be hard. You still have to come home. You still have to try to go to sleep that night. But at least it’s not the entire day that you’re sitting there.
Related: The Power of Distractions in Your Grief Journey
2. Change it up
This tip kind of goes along with the last thing I was saying.
We have these traditions, especially at Christmas time that we do year after year after year. And those traditions, when your child isn’t here, can be so hard.
- Change your traditions.
So change it. There’s no rule that says you have to do the same traditions year after year.
- Keep the tradition, just change it – If you did Christmas cookies every year and now the thought of doing a Christmas cookie and decorating without your child is debilitating, then don’t do it. Trade it out for something similar.
+Decorate gingerbread houses
+Make chocolate chip cookies
+Make reindeer chow
You can still have the feeling of that tradition without doing the exact same thing that you did in years past with your child who’s no longer here.
- Make new traditions
Maybe the thought of doing your tradition is too much and you just can’t go there. That’s okay! Do you hear me? That 👏 Is 👏 O 👏 Kay. Make a brand new tradition! If the tradition you can’t do anymore is driving around looking at Christmas lights:
+Go outside and string some lights on your own tree
+Go to an outdoor mall and walk around looking at those lights and then stop at a coffee shop for hot chocolate
+Go to your local zoo and look at the lights they’ve put up inside
You’re still having fun with your other kids, making memories, but it’s a little easier for you to get through.
- Change the day you celebrate
I have a secret for you…
There is no rule that says you have to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day.
I know, I know. But hear me out.
There are actually a lot of people that don’t celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day.
+Medical workers
+Firefighters
+Police officers
+People that work 24 hour shifts or 12 hour shifts
+People that have a job that doesn’t close on Christmas Day
These people have to celebrate Christmas the day before or the day after.
So if celebrating Christmas on Christmas Day is too hard and you have no idea how you’re going to make it through…
Then DON’T DO IT ON DECEMBER 25!
Do it the day before. Do it the week before. Do it on December 18.
And then on Christmas Day, leave the house and go do something else.
+Go watch a movie
+Go to a family or friend’s house and play games
+Do nothing even remotely related to Christmas
When we’re on this journey, the point for us is just to survive each day. So do whatever it is that makes it easier for you to get to the end of the day. And that is okay.
I believe that the people that are closest to you will understand. They will get it.
- Change where you celebrate.
We actually did this one year. We went to the beach the day after Christmas. Which ended up being perfect.
We woke up, did all of our normal Christmas Day things, and then I stayed busy packing everything for our trip. So that gave me something to do on that day, which kept me distracted. We went to the beach for a whole week and it was fabulous.
It got us out of the house. Gave us something new to do in a new place.
So go somewhere new. Go to the mountains, go to the beach, or just go to some random city that you’ve been wanting to go to but haven’t had the chance. Just leave the house and celebrate somewhere completely new.
3. Do something in honor of them
Do something in honor of your child. Do something in honor of their memory.
- Buy an ornament
Doing something in honor of your child doesn’t have to be anything big. It can be something as easy and simple as buying an ornament for your child, something that they loved. I bought a little Christmas tree that’s just for Sam. All of his ornaments that we’ve had or bought along the way, we add to this tree.
He loved Spider-Man. So we have a Spider-Man ornament. He loved cupcakes. So we have a cupcake ornament. And I put this tree up every year in honor of him.
But side note – there was one year I couldn’t do it. It was a hard year and it was too hard for me emotionally to put it up. And that’s okay. If you feel like it’s too hard to put it up, then honor those emotions you have!
- Do something that they loved to do
Something else you can do is do something that they love to do. What did your child love to do? Is there something that when you think of it, you think of your child.
An idea for us is cupcakes. Sam loved cupcakes. So we could buy some cupcakes and eat them for him.
And this tip is kind of opposite of changing the traditions if it’s too hard. There might be a year where doing the things that you used to do with your child WILL bring comfort. So do those things in honor of them, to celebrate them!
The key here is to just honor what you’re feeling at that time, and it can literally change moment by moment. And that’s okay!
4. Serve others
Nothing will bring you joy, especially in this time of year, like serving others. Giving to someone who has less than you, serving people in your community, can bring you a layer of joy in your heart that you might not experience otherwise.
As a Christian, giving is in our DNA! Helping and serving others puts us in touch with the heart of Jesus. That’s what he came to do – to serve.
There are so many opportunities this time of year. Some of the things you can do:
- Sit with the elderly
- Donate to the homeless
- Serve in a soup kitchen
- Put a Samaritan box together with your kids
- Pick a gift to buy a child from a gift tree
Serving others is a great way to bring a little bit of joy to your heart in a very fulfilling way.
5. Lifesaver verse
Y’all know I can’t talk about stuff like this and not talk about your lifesaver verse. My lifesaver verse was literally my lifeline in the early parts of my grief journey.
So what is a lifesaver verse?
A lifesaver verse is just a verse that you can cling to that keeps you from drowning when those waves of grief hit you.
In this grief journey that you’re on it’s so easy to feel like you’re drowning. So this is a Bible verse that you can repeat over and over that will keep you from being pulled down with the weight of your grief.
I have a free printable that lists out some verses that could be used as your lifesaver verse. You can get access to the free Lifesaver verse printable here.
Download that free printable, read through the verses, and see if one jumps out at you. If it does, I believe that’s the Holy Spirit nudging you saying, this is it. This is the one.
Once you have one picked out, read it, write it down, memorize it, put it in your heart. And then when you need it most, when those waves of grief hit you and you feel like you’re drowning in the weight of it, repeat that verse over and over and over again until you feel yourself being lifted out of the heavy waters of your grief.
Again, this is a completely free printable for you!
Related: How my Lifesaver Verse Has Kept Me From Drowning in my Grief Journey (Plus how you can find yours!)
6. Give yourself grace
This journey that we have to walk on is so very hard, especially this time of year where the absence of our children is so loud. It can be hard to hear anything else besides them not being here.
So give yourself lots of grace. Allow Jesus to carry you through. He is strong enough to carry you. His strength is never ending.
So when that heaviness starts weighing heavy on your chest, give it to him. Give him that burden. He can carry it for you. He is strong enough to carry it for you, and he’s just waiting on you to give it to him.
7. Give yourself permission to be happy and sad at the same time
The last thing I want you to do is to give yourself permission to be happy and sad all at the same time. You can feel those two emotions at the same time. They can coexist together.
You can smile and laugh with tears in your eyes because your child’s not here, but you’re happy at the moment. And that is okay.
There have been many times in this journey that I have felt both together. And at first it was conflicting because I’ve never done that. I’ve never been happy and sad all at the same time. It was so weird.
But that’s what we’re trying to do. We’re trying to figure out how to live our life here on this Earth without our child. So in order to keep living, you have to give yourself permission to be happy and to laugh and have joy, even if it’s in the midst of our sadness.
So in this Christmas season as you’re going and you feel joy about something or happiness about something, but then it’s immediately followed by a sadness that, oh, my child is not here to experience this with us, that’s completely normal. So allow yourself the freedom to feel both.
My prayer for all of us as we go into this holiday season without our precious children is that we would feel the peace that doesn’t make sense. That it would guard our hearts and our minds as we go every step, every day throughout this holiday season. That we would be able to feel our children there with us.
And we want to say thank you Jesus for the hope that this season brings. Because that’s what your birth brought us – Hope that we will see our children again. And that is the greatest gift anyone could ever give us as grieving mothers.
I pray peace and joy over you this holiday season.
Pin For Later
Would You Rather Listen to this Post?
Listen Here:
APPLE // SPOTIFY // ALL OTHER PLATFORMS
Leave a Reply