Have you just lost your child? I know it doesn’t feel like there’s another side to the pain, but I’m here, as a mama who’s on the other side, to look back to you and say, “I made it through the valley…and you will too.” And here are the things that helped me make it through.
I know what you’re going through. That pain and that heartache that you’re feeling, it doesn’t feel like you’ll ever be able to make it through.
The grief is all consuming. It’s hard to see beyond the pain. You’re about to walk a road that is so very hard. A road that no one should have to walk.
When I lost Sam, I didn’t think that there was another side to the pain. I didn’t think that I would be able to laugh again, or smile again, or feel joy or happiness ever again.
The pain that was overtaking my mind and my heart was just too much. My heart was shattered into a million pieces and I didn’t think it would ever be whole again.
What helped me was talking to other moms who had walked this same road and were on the other side of the pain. Just knowing that there was another side gave me hope. Hope that one day I too could find the other side to this pain.
How to Make it After Losing Your Child
The tips I give you in this post unfortunately will not make the pain completely go away. These things aren’t a miracle pill that will make all the pain go away. However, these are things that did help me make it.
My prayer is that you’ll be able to find something in this post that will help you get through the next moment, and the next moment, and the next moment until one day you’ll look back and see that you’re now on the other side of that all cons ing pain. And realize it’s not as cons ing as it once was.
Here are a few things that helped me get through the first days, weeks, and months after losing my child.
Would you rather listen to this post?
APPLE // SPOTIFY // ALL OTHER PLATFORMS
Realize you’re not strong enough
The first thing you need to do is realize that you’re not strong enough. I know you’re probably like, “No kidding, Courtney. I definitely know I’m not strong enough.”
But here’s the thing. When you recognize that you’re not strong enough, that will allow you to fully accept where your strength is going to come from.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
It’s a very good thing that you’re weak and can’t carry the burden, because that means Jesus can step in and be the strength that you don’t have.
Let him carry you and lift those heavy burdens
I know how heavy your grief feels right now. It settles in on your chest like a weight. And it’s so very heavy to carry.
But the great news is – You don’t have to carry it!
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and h ble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30
I lived this verse.
Every time that heaviness began to weigh on me and I felt like I was crippled by it, I asked him to take it from me. And the thing about carrying something that weighs so heavy on your heart, is you can feel it being lifted off of you.
So every time you’re feeling weary and burdened by your grief, claim the promise that’s in this verse! He’s so faithful and he will remove that heaviness from you every. single. time.
And in its place he will give you his yoke and his burden which is so very light.
Do it as many times as you need! Do it 100 times a day if you need to. And he will be there, waiting faithfully, to lift that burden off of you every time you call out.
If you feel like you need to claim peace over your life, here are 15 Bible verses about peace in grief.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help
Yes, God is there and he’s so faithful and he’ll lift those heavy burdens off of you and carry you every step of the way, but sometimes you need help. And that’s okay.
This grief that we’re having to carry and walk through is the hardest thing anyone will ever have to go through. This grief is so deep and affects every single part of you – mentally, physically, and emotionally. There’s no way you can do it on your own.
Related: How Does Grief Affect Your Body And Mind? 5 Ways To Start Healing After Grief
Sometimes you need outside help to make it through. Here are some options for you.
Your Church Family
If you have a local church family, then this is a great place to look for help. My church family helped me so much after we lost Sam.
- They lifted me up in prayer when I could not pray for myself
- They helped with the funeral
- They texted and checked in on me
- They were a constant source of support
If you have a local church family, I encourage you to lean on them for support. Take their help. Say yes anytime they ask to help you.
If you don’t have a church family, find a church that offers a grieving small group, like Griefshare, and I know they’ll let you come, even if you’re not a member of their church.
You can find a Griefshare group near you through this link.
Online Support
Connecting with other grieving moms, people who are walking this grieving road too, can be so helpful. These moms know exactly what you’re going through, because they’re going through it too.
Here are some places that might bring you some encouragement:
- My Facebook group, Unlocking Joy After Child Loss
- While We’re Waiting (another Facebook group that was super helpful to me in the early part of my grief journey)
- GriefShare has an online resource library
Professional Therapy Services
If you feel like you can’t work your way through your grief by yourself, then I highly encourage you to seek professional help. This pain and grief we have to walk through is so very deep and can be so hard to sort through mentally.
I would recommend a Christian grief therapist as Jesus is the source of how we are able to make it through and a Christian therapist will be able to partner their help with the truth of God’s word.
If you’re looking for online options, here are some good places to start:
- Laurie Taylor, Grief and Loss Center of North Texas in Dallas: https://mygriefandloss.org/
- Gwen Kapcia, Christ Centered Grief Support: https://grief-guide.com/
- Set Free Prayer Ministry: https://setfreeprayerministry.com
- April Wendland is a bereaved mom herself and offers counseling services in Arkansas and virtually around the country: https://www.setapartbiblical.com/
- Starlight Ministries: https://starlightmin.org/
If you’re looking for a local therapist you can see in person, check with your pastor at your church for recommendations.
Again I want to reiterate, don’t feel like you have to process all of these emotions on your own. Losing a child can be so hard to work through. If you feel like you need help getting through the pain, please seek out help.
Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way
There is no right way to grieve. Everyone processes grief differently. Everyone does different things to help them get through. It can even look different through different seasons of your life.
For around the first year after we lost Sam what brought me comfort was going and sitting at his grave. I would bring my other kids, we would bring a blanket and I would read stories with them.
There was a big field beside his grave and they would go run and play and I would just sit with my baby. For that season that brought me comfort.
However, after a certain point in my grieving journey, I found that I wasn’t going out there as often. At first I felt guilty. I should be going out and sitting with Sam.
Then I realized – I’m healing. My heart is healing to a point where I don’t have to go do that anymore. That’s not what brings me comfort now. I then had to find the next thing I could do that brought me comfort.
There is no right way to grieve.
You have to find what works for you, what helps bring healing to your heart, what gives you peace. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way.
This healing process will happen for the rest of your life. But if you lean into what the Holy Spirit is telling you your heart needs, then you can rest in the fact that you’ll have exactly what your heart needs in every season of your life.
Focus on one breath at a time
I know you’ve probably heard – focus on one step at a time.
In the beginning of your grief journey, even focusing on one step can feel like too much. So what I want you to do is focus on one breath at a time. That’s it. Just the next breath.
When your mind starts thinking about all the time still left on this earth without your baby, I want you to physically stop and say no. I’m not thinking about this. All I’m thinking about right now is making it through the next breath.
Then take that next breath.
And that’s all you’re thinking about. Not the next day or the next week. Just the next breath.
More Ideas for Healing From Your Grief
I received a brochure from the funeral home and they described the process of grief really well. Especially now that I’m on the other side, I can see see the truth in it.
They said when you first lose your child the pain is sharp and it takes your breath away. But as time goes on, the pain doesn’t go away (it will never go away), but it does change. When it hits it becomes more of a dull pain than a sharp breathtaking pain.
Now that I’ve walked through my grief journey for some time, when I think of Sam and I miss Sam, it still hurts in my chest and it’s still heavy, but it’s not as sharp of a pain as it was in the beginning.
So I want to encourage you and give you hope that you’ll get there. First take it breath by breath. Then at one point you’ll be able to take it step by step. Then you’ll be able to take it day by day.
You will reach the other side of the pain.
Do you know how I know this?
Because you know where your strength comes from. And the one who holds that strength is so very faithful. And he’ll be with you every step of this journey until the moment that we get to heaven and see our babies again.
PIN FOR LATER
Leave a Reply