Losing your child changes everything, including who you are. I always say there’s a line in the sand in my life. My life before I lost Sam and then my life after I lost Sam.
There are so many things we need to rediscover after losing our child, and who we are is one of those things.
In this post, I want to go into a few things that you can do to rediscover who you are – who the new you is after losing your child.
Rediscovering Who You Are After Loss
I don’t know exactly when it was on my grief journey that I realized I was different. But do you know on your phone, you have all the emojis? And inside of those emojis are your frequently used emojis. My top two before I lost Sam were always the laughing face and the heart emojis.
I remember looking at my phone shortly after I lost Sam, and my top two emojis were the crying face and the broken heart. I think that was the first point when I really realized, I’m different. I’m not the same person I was before.
As I kept walking this journey, I realized things that used to be easy for me were now hard.
>>Things I had never struggled with before became struggles.
>>I view things differently.
>>I think differently.
So, I guess it was more of a gradual realization that I am not the same Courtney I was before I lost Sam. And so I fully believe the journey of rediscovering who we are now is just a part of the healing process we have to go through.
It’s a journey where we’ll never fully arrive. It’s going to be a constant process that we continually work on. I don’t think anybody ever fully figures out themselves, especially when you add the complexity of losing a child.
Losing a child comes with so many complex emotions, deep grief, and deep sadness. I believe it literally changes our physical body, and that just adds a whole other layer to the journey.
I want this post to be an encouragement for you. To help you begin thinking about how you can start the process of finding out who the new you is.
Who is the you now, after walking through what you’ve had to walk through?
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I’m going to break this up into two phases.
I believe you need to walk through this first phase before you can get into starting to rediscover who you are.
Phase One: Give yourself time to process the grief
The first phase that I feel you need to go through is giving yourself time to process the grief. This grief that we’re having to walk through is so deep, so complex, and so hard.
If you try to rush and figure out without giving yourself time to fully sit and just process the grief, you won’t be able to get anywhere in the rediscovering process.
Depending on how long you’ve been in your grief journey – especially if you’re new in your grief journey – I just want you to give yourself time. Time to process your emotions. Time to process this grief that you’re having to walk through.
I have three steps that will help you with this process.
Fully feel all emotions
The first step is to fully feel all of your emotions. This is crucial in every stage of your grief journey, whether you’re one week in or ten years in.
I want you to give yourself permission to feel whatever emotion comes up in your grief journey. Whatever it looks like, don’t stop it, push it down, or bottle it up.
If you don’t feel like you have the strength to face whatever emotion comes, that’s when you need to rely on Jesus. He will be your strength to help you through that emotion.
But now I want you to really listen to this point because it’s important: Don’t camp out in that emotion. We feel it, but then we work our way through it. We process through that emotion so we don’t let it grow roots in our hearts.
If we allow those emotions to take root, we can grow bitter and find it hard to keep moving through this grief journey. That bitterness can hold us back from rediscovering who we are in our new life.
Journal through your emotions
Another way you can help fully feel and process your emotions is to journal through them. Our minds can be so muddled that we can’t think clearly.
Writing your emotions down, what you’re feeling, can bring clarity. If you prefer typing, that’s fine too. The key is getting those emotions out of your head and onto paper in some way.
There’s something about writing that clears the fog in your mind. I believe God can speak to you as you’re writing. I’ve had that happen to me so many times. As I’m writing out my emotions and thoughts, it feels like the Holy Spirit takes over my fingers and starts speaking to me through what I’m writing. It’s so amazing.
If you’ve never journaled before, it’s very simple. You can just grab a piece of paper and start writing. Sometimes, if I feel stuck and don’t know what to write, I’ll literally start with: I don’t know what to write about, but this is what I’m struggling with right now.
From there, the words will begin to flow. It helps clear your mind, work through those emotions, and process your grief.
Seek support if needed
The last thing you can do to help process your grief is to seek support if you feel like you need it. When you’re trying to process grief, especially grief after losing a child, it can be incredibly hard. Your mind can feel so muddled and unclear, and sometimes you might need additional help to sort through all those emotions – and that’s okay.
I believe grief after losing a child is different from any other kind of grief you will go through in life. It’s hard, and sometimes we just need professional help. I’m here for you, but I’m not a professional. I’m not a trained counselor or grief expert. I’m just a mom who has made it through and is looking back to say: You can do it. Jesus is the answer. He’s the way, the source of our hope, and how we can get through this.
If you feel like you need professional help to work through those emotions and continue living your life, then please seek it. Look for a Christian counselor or Christian therapist who can help you. They are trained to help you process all the emotions going on in your mind.
A good place to start is your local church. Go and ask your pastor. Tell them you need a Christian therapist or Christian counselor to help you with your grief. I’m confident they’ll know someone local you can talk to.
I also want to encourage you to ensure the person you seek help from is a Christian counselor or therapist. They will partner with Jesus and the Word of God to guide you through this process.
Be careful about who you allow to speak into your healing. Make sure they are aligned with Jesus. He is the source. He is the way we’re able to make it through. He is the one who will sustain us through our entire lives until we get to heaven and see Him, and our child, again.
So, if you feel like you need help through this process, go seek support.
The time it takes to go through this first phase is different for everyone. It could take any amount of time, whatever time you need to work through your grief.
You’ll know when you’re ready to start that rediscovering process of who you are. You’ll feel it in your heart.
I know it sounds big: Rediscovering who I am, my new life, my new me – that’s so big! So, I just want to say that when I talk about rediscovering who you are, it doesn’t mean you’ll know every part of yourself, your new purpose, or your new life all at once.
It’s a journey. It’s a process. We’re just getting started with this rediscovery process.
Phase Two: Embracing the new
Once you’ve given yourself time to process your grief and you feel like you might be ready to start the rediscovery process, phase two is to embrace the new.
How do you “embrace the new”? First step…
Realize you’re different now – and be okay with it
The first thing is just accepting the fact that you’re different now. The you now is different from the you before you lost your child.
Realize that, and then be okay with it. It’s okay that you’re different. No one can walk through what we have had to walk through and not have every part of them change – and that’s okay.
I think accepting that is the first step. It’s just saying…
“Okay, that version of me is gone, but I’m not done. I’m still here, so God still has things He wants me to do while I’m here.”
Start looking for new things to add to your life
After you have recognized, accepted, and become okay with the fact that you are different, this is when I want you to start looking into finding new things to include in your new life.
There are certain things you can keep doing that aren’t hard for you, but you just have to weigh them and see. Ask yourself, I did this before. if I continue doing it, is it going to be too hard?
Sometimes it’s not too hard. In fact, sometimes it could even bring healing to you. And other times you might find that it’s just too hard to continue doing it, and that’s okay.
Stop doing the things that are too painful and start adding new things into your life.
Find new hobbies that bring you joy
One thing you can look at is your hobbies. What were your hobbies before you lost your child? Try doing them again. You might find that it’s actually healing for your heart. It may not be hard, and it could help you. If so, you can continue doing it.
Or, you try it, and you don’t hate it. It doesn’t hurt, but it feels different – and that’s okay too. There are a lot of things we do now that aren’t necessarily hard, but they just feel different than they did before. Again, that’s not a bad thing.
Or, you try to do it, and it’s horrible. You absolutely hate it, and it hurts so much that you would never want to do it again. That’s okay too. Especially if it was something that was tied to your child, it’s okay to not ever do it again.
Instead, let’s find something to replace it with – something new.
Instead of focusing on something we’ve lost, which is whatever this is that we used to do that brought us joy, let’s focus on adding something new.
By changing our mindset from I’m losing this to I’m adding this, we shift our focus to what we can gain, instead of what we can’t do anymore.
Honestly, it’s just a process of elimination in finding new hobbies – new things that bring you joy.
Just try it. See if you like it, see if it’s good for you, and see if it brings healing. If it does, great, you’ve found your new hobby. If it doesn’t, move on to the next thing.
It’s a lot of experimentation, figuring out what feels good to you. And it could change depending on the season of life you’re in and where you are in your healing journey.
I believe your healing journey has different seasons. Things that feel good to you now might not feel good to you later. Or, if you discover something new you love to do, but your grief journey changes, and there’s a different healing you’re going through, maybe you need to change your hobby or what you do for fun.
All that’s okay. Like I said, it’s a journey. We will never have fully arrived or figured everything out. So, we just have to partner with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, walking through this life and figuring it out as we go.
Join new groups of people who understand
Another thing you can do, as you’re embracing this new person you are, is to join new groups of people who understand what you’re going through.
This could look like a grief group at your local church. I know that there are some churches that have Grief Share groups. Grief Share is a great organization that puts together classes in your local community with other people who are walking through grief with you.
You could also do an online grief community. There’s a Facebook group that I found right after I lost Sam that was very helpful for me. It’s called “While We’re Waiting,” and you can request to join that group here.
You can also join my email list. I know it’s not a group with more than one person, but it is a way to connect with me. You can send me prayer requests, share things that you’re struggling with, and I can help you through it, send you some encouragement, and say some prayers for you. You can join my email list here.
Start new traditions
Another thing that I feel is hard, that we realize we might not be able to do anymore, are our traditions. Things that we used to do year after year after year that, now that our child is gone, can be too hard to keep doing.
This is very personal to you, to your life, to your heart, and to what you feel is good for you. But sometimes, you just need to find new traditions, and again, that’s okay. We’re okay with all this.
And like I said earlier, we’re not going to focus on the traditions we lost. We’re going to focus on the traditions we’re going to gain. We’re going to add new traditions.
Again, this is just going to have to be a case-by-case situation, where you take each tradition you used to do. You might already know, without even trying to do it again, that it’s going to be too hard and you can’t do it. But if you’re unsure, just try it.
Try doing the same thing you did, and it could be okay. You could realize that, again, it’s bringing healing to your heart and connecting you to your child and those memories that you have with them. If that’s you, then awesome! Keep doing those traditions, keep bringing healing to your heart.
But if you do that tradition and you realize, “No, it’s too hard,” then okay. We’re not going to stay there. We’re not going to just say, “Well, forget it, I’m not doing anything.” We’re going to try and find a new tradition that we can do that brings you joy and brings healing to your heart.
And again, you just have to kind of try it and see how it feels. If it feels good, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, we’re going to find something else. And it could change again with the seasons of your life, of your healing process.
I hope this was helpful to you. It’s, again, such a journey. I’m still rediscovering who I am. I’m beginning to see things and accept things that are no longer a part of me and finding things that really help me enjoy life again.
And if you’re not there yet, then I just want to encourage you – you will get there. And you know how I know you will?
Because you have Jesus.
He is the source of our hope. He’s the source of our healing. And he will see you through. He will bring healing to your heart, piece by piece.
As you are starting this journey of rediscovering who you are, the new you, finding these new things to add into your life, He will be with you every step of that journey.
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