Losing a child can make you feel like you’ve been through a battle – mentally, emotionally, physically. It can just wear you out. But rest can seem unreachable when you’re going through such a hard time. Here are 5 ways I found to help me be able to rest and heal after losing my son, Sam.
Resting After Losing Your Child
I can vividly remember the moment I realized I was done and needed rest. We had just lost our third baby after losing Sam, and I was done. I just needed rest.
I remember thinking, “If I had a white flag to wave in surrender, I would wave it.” It felt like I had been thrown on the ground and kicked over and over again.
So, I used some of the things in this post to help me enter into a place of rest where the healing could start. Because if we’re constantly in that state of turmoil and denial of everything that has just happened, we can never start walking into the healing that God has for us.
And if you’re going to be able to make it, if you’re going to be able to live, you have to start that healing process over your heart. It can seem impossible, but I’m here to tell you it’s not.
It will never be complete because the only way our hearts would be completely healed is if we had our kids here, and that won’t happen on this side of heaven.
But I do believe that there’s a healing we can reach here on this side through Jesus.
So, I want to bring you these five things that can help you enter into some rest – mentally, emotionally, and physically.
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Lifesaver verse
The first thing is to find your Lifesaver verse. My lifesaver verse was a key and integral part of my healing journey because God’s word is truth, and it’s constant. It never changes.
In this grief journey, where everything feels so up and down, having something constant that never changes is so important.
Finding that verse that you can cling to, that literally keeps you from drowning, is essential. I actually have a free printable that has different verses listed that could become your verse. If you don’t have one already, this printable can give you some ideas of different verses to hold onto during this time.
Download the free printable, read through all the verses, and pick out a verse that stands out to you, one that the Holy Spirit nudges your heart about. That can be your Lifesaver verse.
What I want you to do, once you find that verse, is meditate on it. Think about it, hide it in your heart, and repeat it.
And every time a wave of grief hits you, I want you to repeat your verse over and over in your mind to help you enter into peace – the peace that doesn’t make sense, the peace that passes all understanding.
To read more on how my lifesaver verse has saved me so many times in my grief journey, click here.
Create an uplifting and positive environment
Changing your environment to be more uplifting and positive is a great way to help you rest after losing your child. There are several ways you can do this.
Worship Music
I created an uplifting and positive environment in my own journey by listening to worship music. I would just have it playing in the background as I went about my day – whether I was cleaning, working, or doing whatever needed to be done.
I found that having worship music playing really kept my mind on Him and not on my grief and sadness.
As you all know, the grief and sadness are always there. They become a constant part of our lives, a part of who we are now.
But I discovered that surrounding myself with worship music changed the atmosphere around me. In turn, it helped my thoughts focus on God, rather than on my grief and sadness.
Listen to sermons or podcasts
Another thing you can do is listen to sermons. Fill your mind with the truth. You can find so many sermons for free on YouTube.
There are also faith-filled, encouraging podcasts you can find and listen to, just to fill your mind with positive, uplifting thoughts. I believe this will help you find rest mentally, bringing peace to your mind.
Limit your interactions with negative people
If there’s someone in your life who might mean well, but every time you talk to them, they say things that are more harmful than helpful, try to limit your interaction with them. Do this in a kind way, of course.
You don’t have to completely cut them off, but if you can limit that interaction, it will help you stay in a positive mindset.
Essential Oils
I’m a big fan of essential oils. I started using them in 2015 with an MLM oil company. I never sold the oils, but that’s just where I began. However, they were so expensive, and at the time, we didn’t have a lot of extra money, so I found that I didn’t use them as much.
Then, I discovered Plant Therapy. It’s not an MLM company – they just sell oils. They offer very good quality oils for about a third of the price I was paying with the other company.
I was so thankful to find them because I couldn’t afford the other ones. Their oils are very high quality. Robert Tisserand, who is an essential oil guru, tests these oils and gives them his seal of approval. So, they are great quality and at a great price.
I used lavender a lot after I lost Sam. It helped me sleep at night, because sleeping after losing your child is a whole struggle. Here are some other tips I used to help me fall asleep after losing Sam.
Lavender essential oil helped me calm my mind. I diffused it using this inexpensive diffuser from Amazon. You can also roll the oil on your wrists and smell it that way.
I really believe that essential oils are a useful tool that God gave us to help us through hard times.
If you’ve never tried Plant Therapy, I actually have a discount code for you. You can take 15% off your first order through this link. I know you’ll love them as much as I do!
Counseling
I don’t want you to ever think, “I can get through this on my own, I don’t need help,” because the grief we’re walking through is so deep. The hurt is so deep, and it never really goes away.
You learn to live with it, but you never truly move on from it. It becomes a part of who we are. We will carry this pain forever until we see our kids again.
Now, if you’re in the early part of your journey, you might be thinking, “Oh my gosh, Courtney, I can’t live with this pain forever.”
The good news is that it does get easier. That deep, deep pain you feel in the beginning stages of this journey does get better. Keep walking, keep trusting God, and keep leaning into Him. Let Him carry you when it’s too heavy. He will slowly start bringing healing to your heart.
And while this grief we have to carry will never fully go away, through Jesus you can learn to start living with it. And while the pain is always there, it’s not as breathtaking as it is in the beginning.
If you need help, though, don’t hesitate to reach out and get professional help. I’m not a counselor. I’m not professionally trained in grief counseling. I’m just a mama who has walked through this and is still walking through it.
I want to walk this journey with you, but there might come a time when you feel like you can’t do this on your own. You’ve listened to my podcast, read the resources, done all the things, and you still feel stuck.
If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to seek help.
I believe that people who are professionally trained in counseling have a calling. They are made to help others through their pain.
If you do feel like you need counseling, reach out to a local pastor – it could be your pastor or you can call a local church office. They will know of a local Christian counselor to refer you to.
And remember, it’s okay to need help. This pain and grief we’re walking through aren’t normal. It’s a kind of pain that most people can’t even imagine unless they’ve walked through it themselves. Sometimes we need outside professional help to cope, and that’s completely understandable. So if you find yourself needing extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out.
Plan a Vacation or Staycation
Sometimes, we just need to get out. Out of the house, away from all the reminders of the journey we’re on, and away from the memories of the child we’ve lost.
So, plan a vacation. Go somewhere, and most importantly, give yourself permission to have fun.
It’s okay to laugh, to enjoy yourself, and to feel happiness again. You’ll probably feel both joy and sadness at the same time, and that’s completely normal. I always say that the joy and laughter we feel on this grief journey are all tinged with sadness.
And it’s okay to feel both emotions at once. Give yourself permission to laugh and have fun, even if there’s a bit of sadness there too. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying life, smiling, or laughing.
You might think, “I should be sad right now,” but no, you don’t need to feel guilty.
Laughing and having fun are important parts of the healing journey. They’re another layer of healing that helps us learn to live with our pain and grief.
If you’re financially able, take a week off. Go to the beach, the mountains, or wherever you enjoy. Go hiking, biking, adventuring, whatever it is that you love to do.
Just leave, and I believe that getting away from home will help bring you some of the rest and peace that you need.
Now, if finances are tight and you can’t afford a full vacation, plan a staycation. Even though you won’t be leaving your house entirely, you can still go out for the day and enjoy local places.
Simply getting out for a little while can help you take a break from the constant pain and grief.
And if even planning a staycation feels too overwhelming, then give yourself permission to take a mental break at home. Lay on the couch, binge-watch a Netflix series, and don’t feel guilty about it.
If that’s the break you need, then do it. Grab your popcorn, your chocolate, and hit play. And when Netflix asks if you’re still watching, you say, “Don’t judge me, Netflix – yes, I am,” and click on that next episode.
Give Yourself Permission to Not be Okay
I have one more bonus tip that I want to share with you. Give yourself permission to not be okay. It’s okay to not be okay.
I remember right after my oldest son got married, everything should have felt perfect. The wedding was beautiful, every part of it was amazing.
A week later, I was out on my back porch, watching my two little girls play in the water. By all accounts, I should have been happy.
>My son had just gotten married
>And my two little girls, who I had prayed for after losing Sam and experiencing miscarriages, were there, healthy, and playing outside.
But despite all of this, I wasn’t happy. I was so sad. And that’s okay.
It’s okay to not be okay. Even when everything seems like it should be perfect. I want you to give yourself permission to feel this way on your journey.
You can listen to all the tips and advice, make plans, and still find that you can’t do it. And that is completely okay.
>Give yourself permission to be sad when you need to be sad.
>Give yourself permission to laugh and have fun when you feel like it.
>And if you feel all of these emotions all at once, that’s okay too.
If you make plans and find you can’t follow through with them, that’s okay. If you just need to sit on the couch and watch a Netflix series instead, that’s okay too. You’re allowed to feel however you feel, and it’s okay to not be okay.
Action Step
Grab a piece of paper and write down one thing you’re going to start doing today to feel that rest. It could be something simple like:
“When I get in the car, I’m going to turn on worship music.”
Or, “While I’m cooking dinner tonight, I’ll have worship music playing in the background to change the atmosphere and bring peace into my home.”
Maybe you realize you need help and are ready to take that next step and book an appointment with a therapist.
Or perhaps you’ve been wanting to try essential oils, but didn’t know where to start. Now you have the link for 15% off your first order, so go ahead and get some lavender or another kind that resonates with you. Start using those oils to help bring peace into your life.
Whatever it is that I mentioned in this post that resonated with you, I want you to write it down and then go do it.
Enter into that rest that your soul needs and begin that healing process over your heart. Remember, this journey is a process. It’s a long one, and honestly, I don’t think it’ll ever be completely finished until we reach heaven. But that’s okay, because our God never gets tired. He will never leave you, and He is strong enough to carry you.
More Ideas for Healing From Grief
Counselor Resources:
- Laurie Taylor at the Grief and Loss Center of North Texas in Dallas: https://mygriefandloss.org/
- Gwen Kapcia – Christ Centered Grief Support: https://setfreeprayerministry.com
- Gwen Kapcia, Christ Centered Grief Support: https://grief-guide.com/
- April Wendland is a bereaved mom herself and offers counseling services in Arkansas and virtually around the country: https://www.setapartbiblical.com/
- Starlight Ministries – located in southwest Michigan: https://starlightmin.org/
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