Losing a child comes with so many challenges – some you can foresee and others come as a surprise. My inability to go to sleep after we lost Sam was one of those surprises. I’ve usually never had any problems falling asleep, but after losing Sam, I just could not shut my mind off enough to rest.
This is something I hear a lot from other grieving mamas too. It’s just so hard to sleep, especially in those early days, weeks, and months.
In this post, I want to share five tips to help you fall asleep after experiencing child loss. Two of these are things I did personally, and the other three are additional tips I think could be helpful for you.
Falling Asleep While Grieving
We all know that sleep is important, but it becomes even more critical when you’re grieving. The University of Bern did a study on sleep and emotions and found that during REM sleep – your deepest sleep stage – your brain processes emotions by consolidating the positive and dampening the negative.
But grief makes sleep hard… and yet you need sleep to process grief. It feels like a lose-lose.
You need rest to heal, but your mind won’t let you sleep.
That’s why I’m sharing these tips. So you can get the rest your body and mind desperately need to begin healing.
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Tip #1: Diffuse Lavender Essential Oil
This was something I did during those first few months after losing Sam. During the day, I could distract myself enough to function. But at night, there were no distractions – only my thoughts.
I would cry, stare at the walls, and just couldn’t shut my mind off.
I started diffusing lavender essential oil on my nightstand. The calming benefits of lavender helped relax me enough to start drifting off to sleep.
I use and love Plant Therapy oils. They’re affordable and high quality. They are the only oils I recommend and have been personally using since 2016!
For $10 off your first purchase at Plant Therapy, click here!
For the diffuser, I just ordered a cheap one off Amazon and it works great. Here’s the one I have used for years.
Tip #2: Listen to Calming Music
Alongside the lavender, I would listen to music with my earbuds. Silence was so hard because it gave space for my thoughts to spiral.
I personally listened to Jason Upton’s song Fly. It helped keep my mind focused on something other than the trauma.
Make sure the music you choose is worship music or instrumental music created to honor God. That’s the kind of peace we need – the kind that only comes from Him.
Here are a few other calming instrumental worship tracks:
4 HOURS // RAIN // INSTRUMENTAL SOAKING WORSHIP // SOAKING INTO HEAVENLY SOUNDS
3 HOURS // INSTRUMENTAL SOAKING WORSHIP // BETHEL MUSIC HARMONY
Full Length Instrumental Album – Brian & Jenn Johnson | After All These Years
And just a heads up: YouTube has ads unless you have Premium, so you might want to find ad-free options to avoid being jolted awake by an ad interrupting the music!
Tip #3: Gentle Exercise
According to the Sleep Foundation, sleep and exercise have a “bi-directional” relationship – each supports the other. Exercise can help reduce the time it takes to fall asleep and help you stay asleep longer.
You don’t need to train for a marathon. Just go for a walk outside. Being in nature, in God’s creation, not only moves your body but helps you feel closer to your child and to God.
Related: 3 Ways Walking Outside Can Play a Role in Your Healing Journey
You could also try a bedtime stretching video on YouTube. Here are some options:
10 minute Bedtime Workout for Better Sleep: Reduce Bloating & Improve Sleep Quality! – Get Fit with Rick
25 min FULL BODY STRETCH (No Talking – for Relaxation, Flexibility & Stress Relief) – MadFit
9 Min. Bedtime Mobility – Relaxing Evening Routine – julia.reppel
Aim to finish exercise 1–2 hours before bed so your body has time to wind down.
Tip #4: Journal Before Bed
Sometimes our racing thoughts keep us awake. Journaling can help clear your mind by getting those thoughts out on paper. This doesn’t have to be fancy – use any notebook, scrap paper, even an envelope.
You can brain dump, respond to grief-related journal prompts, or write about your day.
You could also journal through scripture like Psalm 4:8: “In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
I have free scripture calendars that include journaling pages that also could be helpful for you. Here are a few:
Free Monthly Topical Bible Reading Plans for Grieving Mothers
FREE 31 Day Scripture Calendar on God’s Character
Tip #5: Create a Bedtime Routine
Just like babies need a routine to wind down, we do too. Doing the same few things each night tells your brain it’s time to sleep.
Here are some ideas for a calming routine:
+Turn off electronics 30–45 minutes before bed (blue light disrupts melatonin and REM sleep).
+Do light stretches or a bedtime yoga video.
+Take a warm bath.
+Pray or meditate on scripture.
+Read a fiction or devotional book.
+Journal.
+Diffuse calming essential oils.
+Lower your thermostat to help your body wind down.
Pick a few and start doing them consistently. Your brain will begin to recognize the pattern and respond with sleepiness.
Bonus Tip: Give It Time
I’m closing in on eight years since losing Sam, and I don’t struggle with sleep anymore. I did at first, but healing came with time. But I didn’t do it on my own.
I let God walk through the grief with me, and He brought healing to my heart that only He could bring.
Your heart may never be completely whole again (mine won’t be without Sam) but it can be healed. And you will be able to sleep again.
Tonight: Just Pick One
If bedtime dread is starting to creep in, I want to encourage you – just pick one thing I mentioned in this post and try it. Try it for a week. If it doesn’t help, try another. Or stack one on top of another.
Early in grief, it’s hard to make decisions. That’s why I’m here. To gently help guide you. You don’t have to figure it all out. Just try one thing and see what helps.
I’m praying the Holy Spirit highlights one thing for you to try tonight and that peace – the peace that surpasses all understanding – would guard your heart and mind as you sleep.
More Ideas for Finding Healing in Your Grief
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