Since you lost your child, have you ever tried doing something that you once loved, that once brought you joy, but it just doesn’t feel the same way that it used to? You’re not alone.
In this post, I want to tell you a story of something that happened to me recently where I really experienced this. I did some research and some diving into why.
Why does everything feel different after you lose your child?
We’re going to go over three things that I found in my research and what the Holy Spirit has shown me. I want you to walk away from this post feeling encouraged that you’re not alone. It’s not all in your head, and I want you to walk away feeling able to fully face those moments where everything just feels different.
When Everything Feels Different After Loss
I’m eight years into my grief journey, and you’d think I would have experienced all the firsts that could come by now. But this past summer brought a new one…and it surprised me.
Our family recently returned to our church home after being away for six years. I was so excited to be back and to take part in Kid Blitz (our vacation Bible school). Before losing Sam, I always helped with the opening number dance, something I loved doing each year.
This summer, for the first time since before losing Sam, I danced again. I walked into practice expecting it to feel the same… but it didn’t.
It wasn’t bad, just different.
And that realization led me to pray, to research, and to ask the question:
Why does everything feel different after we lose our child?
Here are 3 things that I discovered.
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1. Grief Literally Rewires Your Brain
Deep grief, especially the kind that comes from losing a child, changes who we are.
According to Psychology Today, as you grieve, your brain is literally rewiring itself.
“This monumental rewiring job explains a lot of what you’re experiencing as you mourn. You’re not crazy; your brain is rewiring itself, and you need time to feel whole again, reinvent your life, and ease into a different future without your loved one. Knowing your brain is working so hard can grant you more patience and self-compassion.”
Our brain and body literally adapt to loss, changing how we think, feel, and respond. That’s why returning to “normal” activities can feel jarring or foreign.
But here’s the hope:
Over time… your nervous system can find a new rhythm, and you can begin to experience moments of peace or joy again.
I’ve seen this truth in my own life. Through Jesus’ love and all the ways he’s poured his healing over my heart, I’ve found a new rhythm. It’s not the same as before, but it’s still good.
+Your heart can find a new beat.
+Your mind can find new ways to think.
+You will laugh again, even if it feels different.
Different doesn’t mean bad. It’s just that… it’s different.
2. You’re Not the Same Person Anymore
Which leads me into the second revelation I had in everything that happened to me this summer. I realized I am not the same person anymore. And this can be a hard one, but it’s something I wish I would have known…
The Courtney I was before is not the Courtney I am today.
Losing Sam changed me. It changed how I viewed things. It changed how I felt things. Things that used to be important to me weren’t important to me anymore. Things that before I maybe would have not cared about suddenly became very important.
It’s amazing how walking through what we’ve walked through can completely change the way we view everything.
And again, it’s not a bad thing. It’s just different.
So with that revelation, once you’ve accepted this, you need to begin the journey of rediscovering who are you now. Who are you post losing your child?
I have a post all about that if you want to dive deeper into this. It’s called Rediscovering Who You Are After Losing Your Child.
3. The Secondary Grief No One Talks About
This was the hardest truth for me to face. This realization was what truly changed it all for me.
It’s the secondary grief that no one talks about. I have never heard this talked about before. I didn’t even know it was a thing, but when my eyes were open, I realized it was what I had been feeling for so long.
So, it was about the second or third practice when it really hit me… This doesn’t feel the same.
This feels different. This isn’t what I thought it was going to be.
After I left that practice, I just cried and cried and I could not explain it. I was like, why am I so upset about this? Over the past eight years I have felt this before. I’ve tried to do things I used to love doing and it didn’t feel the same. So this wasn’t necessarily a new feeling, but this one hit me so hard. Why?
Then the Holy Spirit revealed it to me and I finally understood why. What was wrong? Why was this hitting me so hard?
And it’s because I wasn’t just grieving the loss of Sam…
I was grieving the loss of me.
I was grieving the loss of Courtney. The old Courtney. The Courtney before I lost Sam. She’s gone. She went away with Sam. When I lost Sam and he left this earth, that Courtney left with him.
And I realized in that moment, the reason I was so upset is because that was my last try to connect with her. I wanted to be her so bad.
I wanted to feel what she felt because she had a whole heart. She still had Sam. She didn’t have to figure out life with a broken heart. She didn’t have to figure out how to keep living without her son.
And I wanted to be her.
The reason it was so hard was because I finally realized it:
She’s gone and I can’t get her back.
So I had to allow myself to grieve that Courtney, to grieve her because she’s gone. I lost her when I lost Sam.
And that is the grief that no one talks…
The grief of losing yourself.
But What Happened Next Surprised Me…
I had to give myself permission to grieve losing myself, just like I gave myself permission to grieve losing Sam.
And I can tell you that was the most freeing thing that I’ve ever been through. Because I have been striving and trying to be her, to connect with her, to feel her again. For So. Many. Years.
So accepting that she’s gone, knowing that I’m not going to feel her again freed me and allowed me to say, “Okay, I’m not going to try to connect with her or feel what she felt. That Courtney’s gone and I’ve grieved her.”
But that also allowed me to say, “Okay, then who am I now?”
Because I’ve asked myself that before. And I knew I wasn’t the same person, but deep down I was still trying to connect with her and be her.
But realizing she’s gone has given me the freedom to no longer try to be her. Instead, for the first time, I could look at myself and say, “Who am I? Who is the Courtney now?”
Because the Courtney now is still amazing. The Courtney now can still do amazing things. God has not given up on me. I still have a purpose. Yes, it has changed because I’ve changed. But God still has amazing things in plan for me and in store for me.
Just because it’s different and I’m different doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just that. It’s just different.
So if that’s you, if you feel like you’ve been trying to reconnect with who you were, if you’ve been trying to feel what she felt, I want you to give yourself permission to grieve you.
And then as you begin the journey of rediscovering who you are and what brings you joy, know this:
💗 Your child is with you.
💗 Jesus is with you.
💗 And your new life, though different, can still be full of beauty and purpose.
More Ideas for Healing from Grief
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