If you were to ask me what the one thing was that helped me survive after child loss, I could look back and think of so many things that have helped me along the way. But if I had to narrow it down to one thing, this would be it.
Honestly, it didn’t really take me long to figure out the one thing that helped me survive after losing Sam. Because it really is so evident in my life. It’s the reason how I’ve made it through all the ups and downs that have come in my grief journey.
So let’s dive into the ONE way I’ve been able to survive after losing my child and the ways that you can apply this to your own grief journey.
The ONE Thing That Helped Me Make it Through My Grief Journey
I’m just going to get right into the one thing that helped me make it through after losing my son. I know you’re not going to be surprised. It’s Jesus. But specifically, it was the knowledge of who He is that really helped me survive the storm of child loss.
All of the moms that have lost children have all agreed, if we didn’t have Jesus, there is NO.WAY. that would we be able to to make it through. It’s impossible.
But looking back at my own grief journey, the thing that helped me make it through was who Jesus was to me. Who Jesus is, his character, was what I built my faith on confidently because he never changes. He is constant.
So how can this help you in your grief Journey? You’re like Courtney, I know that Jesus is the only way we make it through. He’s the way I’ve made it through.
What I want to bring you in this post is the different ways that this knowledge of who he is can help you at different points in your grief journey. Because this knowledge will help you every time you hit a bump in your grief road.
First I want to focus in on a few of Jesus’ characteristics that I believe will be so helpful for you as you’re walking down this grief road.
The Characteristics of Jesus
We need to start this out by filling our mind with who Jesus is, particularly these parts of his character that I continually went back to during my own grief journey. These are what helped me to be confident in fully relying on him, knowing that these characteristics were enough to see me through the hardest pain I have ever and will ever have to go through.
He is Good
Jesus is so good. Even in the hard times. Even when we don’t understand. And he loves you so very much.
“The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him.”
Nahum 1:7
“You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you.”
Psalm 86:5
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
“Praise be to the Lord, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.”
1 Kings 8:56
He is Faithful
After we lost Sam the support that we got was amazing. There were so many people there for us, praying for us, walking with us. But as the years went on, life went back to normal for everybody else and we were left having to figure out this life without Sam.
And that can be very lonely.
But do you know who is always there for you and who will never leave you? Jesus. He is so very faithful and will be there every moment of your journey.
- He’s not scared of your pain.
- He’s not scared of your grief.
- He’s ready to sit with you in the messy middle of your grief.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8
He is Strong and Constant
There’s one thing about this grief is it can weigh so heavy. When the weight of grief hit me it always settled in on my chest. It would just push down on me and be so heavy.
But the thing about God is he’s strong enough to lift that heaviness off of you and his strength never ends.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart”
Isaiah 40:11
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”
Isaiah 46:4
How amazing is that promise?!
Even to your old age he will be with you. Because you know how long we’re going to have to walk with this grief? To our old age. And that can seem so long thinking about it from where we’re at now.
But I want you to have hope. Because the same strength that God has used to get you to where you are right now in your grief journey? That same strength will still be there in your old age and your gray hairs. He will still be there carrying you.
- His strength never ends.
- His faithfulness never ends.
- His goodness never ends.
These are things that we can build our faith and our life on confidently because we know he will be there to carry us.
Now let’s get into what these “bumps” are and how we can get through them with this knowledge.
When the Waves of Grief Hit You
When a wave of grief hits you, the characteristics that you can cling to are:
>> He is faithful
>> He is strong
>> He goes before you
Before that wave of grief even hits in your life, he’s already there. And he’ll be there every single time.
That’s how you’re going to make it through. By falling back on him and his strength that is constant and never changing. He will pick you up and carry you through every single wave that hits.
When Thinking of All the Years Left Here Without Your Child
Thinking of all the years you have left to live without your child here on this Earth can be so debilitating. How in the world are we going to be able to make it through all these years?
When these thoughts hit your mind, the thing I want you to focus on is the hope that Jesus gives us. The hope that one day we WILL see our babies again. And that my friends is a hope that we can cling to.
When you start feeling that there’s no way you can make it all these years without seeing your baby again, just remind yourself that this life we’re living is temporary. This is not our home!
We are passing through. Our home is in heaven with Jesus and our babies and everyone who has gone on before us. That is our home!
1 Thessalonians 4:13 says “so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope”. We grieve differently than those who don’t have the hope that Jesus brings. Because our grief – while it’s so hard and so heavy and it forever completely changes us – is different because we have hope.
The hope that when our babies left this Earth it wasn’t goodbye. That wasn’t the last time we will ever see them.
And while it’s so hard making it through this Earth without them here and we miss them with every beat of our heart, we will see them again!
When You Want to Know the Answer to the Question “Why”
Another thing that might hit you in this grief journey is “why”. Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to turn out this way? Why couldn’t you have healed him? Why couldn’t you have caused it to turn out another way?
Oh friend, I wish I could answer that question for you. But I have a feeling there are a lot of questions that we’re going to have that aren’t going to be answered on this side of heaven.
And that’s when we have to fall back on who we know God is: He’s good, he’s faithful and he keeps his promise.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
Jesus knew that in this world we’re going to go through things that we’re not going to understand.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.”
Isaiah 43:2
It says WHEN you go through deep waters I will be with you – not IF. So Jesus knew this life is going to be hard and there might be times that we don’t understand.
“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
John 13:7
I know that’s not really the answer we want. We want to know exactly why things happened the way they did. But that is a promise we can cling to:
I may not understand now, but one day I will.
And you know who will be with you every moment until you understand why?
Jesus.
He’ll be there holding you every time you cry out to him why, why did it have to be this way. He understands and he’s there to comfort you every time you have those questions.
So when that heavy “why” starts weighing on your mind, I want you to remind yourself of the promise that one day we will know. And until that day Jesus will be with you.
When Thinking of Feeling Joy in this Life Again Seems Impossible
I know It seems impossible to think of feeling joy in life again, especially if you’re in the early parts of your grief journey. I know it feels like all you’ll ever feel is pain and sadness.
But I’m here to tell you if you keep walking with Jesus, he will continue to pour healing into your heart.
It will never be whole again and it will feel different than it did before, but Jesus can heal your heart enough to where you will be able to have a measure of joy in life again.
“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Psalm 30:5
“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.”
Victor Hugo
When you’re going through all the sadness, all the pain, your heart shattering into a million pieces, it can feel so dark. Like you’ll never be able to see the light again. But just like this quote and the Bible verse states, even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise and after the weeping of the night, joy WILL COME in the morning.
The joy will look different, it will likely be tinged with sadness because that is a note that we have to carry throughout our lives, the sad note of our child not being here. But that is a promise we can cling to:
- Joy will come in the morning.
- The sun will rise.
- You will walk out of the valley of the shadow of death with Jesus holding your hand.
He is how we make it through until the sun is shining again.
So in the answer to the question: What is the one thing that has helped me through? The only way I’ve made it is Jesus and the knowledge of who he is to me.
And I know that you will make it through too because the same God that was there for me every time I cried so hard that my eyes literally swelled shut, every moment that I cried out in anger that it was happening the way it was, every single wave of grief that has hit me – he has been there. And I know he has already gone before me to help me through all the hard times I haven’t even gone through yet.
And I know that he will do the same for you.
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