Some of the grieving advice that we get throughout our grief journey can be helpful – and some advice is just not. Losing a child is just not right, it’s not supposed to happen. And so the typical advice you might hear, just doesn’t apply to this road we’re having to walk. Let’s dive into this advice and I’ll give you what works instead.
The Grieving Advice That Doesn’t Work
I learned early on in my grief journey that there are certain pieces of advice that’s given in grief, and sometimes just life in general, that don’t apply to someone who has lost their child.
People would tell me these things and I know they meant well. They came from a place of just wanting to help. A lot of times people don’t know what to say when they’re talking with someone who has lost a child because you literally cannot understand unless you’ve been there.
So as a fellow grieving mama, I wanted to bring you four things that you may have heard (or if you haven’t heard you might hear at some point) in your grief journey that just don’t apply to us. And then I want to give you what does work instead.
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“You should move on after a certain amount of time”
“Isn’t it time that you move on?”
“It’s been x amount of years. Don’t you think it’s been long enough for you to be able to move on?”
You might hear this or something similar if it’s been a while and you’re still struggling with your grief. People might think it’s been “long enough” and you should really move on with your life.
What they don’t understand is there is no moving on.
Losing your child is literally losing a part of your heart. I can’t move on from this grief any more than I can move on from my own heart. In order to move on from my loss of Sam, I would literally have to leave my heart somewhere and walk away from it. It’s physically impossible.
We cannot just move on with life after losing our child. There’s no way we can reach a point of healing where we never think about it again. The only way that we could ever be completely healed in our grief is if we had our child with us. Which will happen one day friend! One day we will be with our child again and our heart will finally be completely healed. So don’t give up. Hold on to the hope that eternity brings us!
Side note here: I do want to say that you can reach a layer of healing in your heart where you can live again. You can have joy again and laugh again. Healing is possible through Jesus. I know, because I’ve experienced it. Your heart can be healed through the strength of his love! And while you will carry this grief with you, you most certainly can have a purpose filled life.
Okay, now let’s talk about what works instead.
We’re not moving on from our grief. Instead we’re moving through our grief and learning how to live with it. This loss that we have, we’ll carry it with us the rest of our lives. But there are things we can do to learn how to live with it.
So if I could give you one piece of advice on learning how to live with the grief, it would be to give yourself permission to feel both pain and happiness all at the same time.
Sadness and joy are two polar opposite emotions. Before I lost Sam, I have never in my life experienced feeling both of these emotions at the same time. I didn’t even think it was possible.
And then I lost him and I realized this sadness, this pain, this grief is something that I’m going to have to carry with me for the rest of my life. And so I have to give myself permission to feel both sadness and joy all at the same time.
I always say it’s like the joy and the happiness we feel is just kind of tinged on the outer edge with sadness. And that’s okay. I believe that’s key in helping us to keep living is to be okay with feeling both.
When my oldest son got married, it was the most perfect day. It was so full of joy and I was feeling every moment of that joy.
But just on the outer edges of my joy during that whole day was sadness. Sadness that Sam wasn’t there to experience it with us. And that’s okay.
I allowed myself to feel both. To fully feel the joy of that day, but also allowed myself the permission to be sad that Sam wasn’t there. And both of those emotions were all meshed together in my heart.
And that’s how you can keep living. That’s how you can learn how to move with this grief is just by giving yourself the permission to feel both.
“Distractions are a bad thing”
This particular piece of advice is not something you would hear in your grief, but just kind of life in general. In a normal situation, if you’re trying to stay focused on something, then distractions are not a good thing.
For example, if you spend hours scrolling social media, that is a distraction that is not good. It can distract you from your family, it can distract you from a goal that you have in your life, it can distract you from really being present in the moment. So those kind of distractions are not a good thing.
But in this grief journey, distractions are key in helping us make it through. Especially in the early days of your grief journey. Those first couple of years I heavily relied on distractions to help me get through.
Distracting yourself is not cheating. It’s not taking the “easy way out”. You’re literally surviving. Especially in the early parts of your grief, your goal is to just survive the day.
Planning things to get you out of the house or to keep your mind busy are all things that I still use to this day. If I know it’s going to be a hard day for me, like Sam’s heaven anniversary, then I’m going to plan a distraction to help me get through the day.
Here is how I made it through Sam’s 7 year heaven anniversary using distractions.
“You’re grieving the wrong way”
If you’ve heard this, it might not have been said in those exact words, but the statement that’s made is implying that you’re grieving the wrong way.
I just want to start this off by saying there is no “right way” to grieve. Do you hear me? There is no right way to grieve.
What helps me might not help you. You might have a different way that you need to process your grief. And that’s okay. We are all so unique, none of us are the same. So what you have to do to help process this grief and bring healing to your heart is going to be so unique to you.
The Holy Spirit knows what your heart needs. God made every single part of you, so if you lean into the Holy Spirit, he will let you know what you need. And what you do to process your grief can look different in different seasons of your life.
In my own grief journey I’ve had several things that I’ve done to help bring healing to my heart.
The first thing I did to help me was go sit at Sam’s grave. There were so many things that were out of my control in this grief journey. Sitting with him was one thing that I could control. And I did that for a while. It brought a lot of healing to my heart.
Then one day I realized I wasn’t going as often and I started to feel really bad. Shouldn’t I be going there like I have been so often over the last year or so?
And then I had a revelation. No, I don’t.
I’ve received a layer of healing that going to his grave brought my heart, but now that layer of healing is complete. Now I needed to move to the next layer of healing for my heart. Which became walking outside. And most recently it’s been sunsets.
And I know that it will continue to change as I keep walking this healing journey with Jesus.
So it’s going to look different during different parts of your journey. You just kind of have to go with what you’re feeling and trust that the Holy Spirit will lead and guide you in exactly what you need in every step of your journey .
All this to say, there is one wrong way to grieve and I go into it in this post. I know you won’t grieve this way, but I did have to include it here just in case.
“Don’t treat yourself”
Again this adivce is something that’s probably not specific to grief, but it’s honestly something you probably say to yourself, especially as a mom. As moms we tend to put everyone else before ourselves, so treating ourselves is something that doesn’t come naturally to us.
But I think treating yourself is a great way to make it through the hard days.
If you know there’s going to be a hard day and you’re like, “Okay. If I make it through this day, then I’m going to go do this”, it kind of gives you something to look forward to. It could help take your mind off of the hard that is that day, whatever situation it is that comes up – expected or unexpected.
And once you get through that hard day or hard situation, then go do something that brings you some joy! It can look like so many different things:
+Going to spend time with your family
+Meeting a friend for a coffee
+Having a date night with your spouse
+Buying that top you’ve been looking at for months
+Going to your favorite park for a walk
It’s okay to go do something for you. This grief journey is so hard on every part of us, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. So if doing something for yourself is something that can bring you a little joy and help you get through the hard situations and hard days you have to face, then go do it. You have my permission to go do something for yourself.
More Ideas for Healing from Grief
As you’re walking through this grief journey and you hear these pieces of advice, I want you to remember this post. Remember that not every piece of advice you get will fit into your grief journey.
Just let it go in one ear and right out of the other.
Keep walking with Jesus. He’s so faithful and he’ll be with you every single moment.
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