What To Say (And NOT Say) to a Grieving Mother

Has someone in your life recently become a grieving mother? As a family member or friend, it can be hard to know how to handle that situation. What do you say? What do you NOT say? What can you do? I’m bringing you the answer to all of these questions from the perspective of a grieving mother in this two part series. 

Today we’re going to dive into the topic of what to say and what NOT to say to someone who has just lost their child. 

I pray this post will give you some insight into things that you can say when there are just no words. And also things to NOT say that aren’t very helpful. 

What to Say to a Grieving Mother

If you have someone close to you who is having to walk this hard road of child loss, I know it’s hard for you to watch them go through this. And it can make you feel helpless not knowing what to say. 

I remember before I lost Sam, I read an article about a mama who lost a child and I remember thinking: 

“I can’t even imagine losing my child” 

And that’s because it is unfathomable trying to picture yourself losing your child. It’s like your brain has a defense mechanism and that grief is too deep to even imagine how it must feel. 

So for those on the outside looking in it’s hard for you to really understand the depth of the grief that a mama has to go through when she loses her child. And that’s completely understandable because like I said, our brains can’t even go there. 

And because of this, I feel like a lot of times it’s hard to know what to say. That’s why I’m here! 

In this post I will help you know what to say to a grieving mother in your life who is having to walk through this deep, deep grief and pain and heartache.

What NOT to Say to a Grieving Mother

Before I go into what not to say, I just want to start by saying I understand that sometimes when you don’t know what to say, you just say the first thing that comes into your head hoping it will be helpful. 

So as I’m telling you these things, if you’ve said something like this, don’t feel bad! 

Like I said earlier, unless you’ve walked through this grief it’s hard to put into words what’s in your mind. So don’t feel bad, just keep this in your mind to remember what’s not helpful to say. 

Telling them that they’re grieving the wrong way 

Let me give you an example of this.

Right after I lost Sam the thing that brought me a lot of comfort was to go sit at his grave.

There were so many things that I couldn’t control after we lost him:

• I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t. 
• I wanted to hear him laugh, but I couldn’t. 
• I wanted to hold him in my arms, but I couldn’t.

And no amount of wishing or wanting could make it happen. It was impossible. 

But there was ONE thing that I could control. If I wanted to see him, I could get in my car, drive to his grave, and go sit with him.

That was one thing I could control and it really helped me to process my grief and begin walking out my healing journey.  

Well I had someone (who I’m sure meant well in their own way) come up to me and tell me: 

“You know that Sam’s not really there in the grave right?” 

They then went on to tell me what helped them after they lost their mom. 

My first initial thought was: Of course I know Sam isn’t there. Sam’s in heaven. What made Sam, Sam is in heaven right now. This was just the body that held Sam’s spirit. Of course I knew that.

But what happened was when she made that statement, she made me fee like I was grieving the wrong way. But you see friend, there is no one right way to grieve. 

Even in my own grief journey it has evolved. Things that helped me in the beginning part of my journey, my heart has healed enough to where I don’t need those things anymore. Now in this season, I do other things to help cope with my grief.

So to think that there’s a right way to grieve and then to proceed in telling this person the way they ‘should’ be grieving isn’t helpful. You see, your mama friend knows exactly what her heart needs in that moment. 

So what should you do then? 

Just be supportive of whatever way they feel their heart needs to process what just happened. Don’t question what they’re doing to cope, just be understanding and most importantly, just be there for them.

Not saying anything

I know that it can be hard to know what to say, so sometimes the default is to just not say anything. But this grief journey can be very lonely. 

At the beginning the support I had after losing Sam was amazing. There were so many people there for me. I was not alone. And that was so needed, especially in those early days. 

But as time went on, the support lessened until there was none, and that can be very, very hard when you go from so much support to having to walk it alone. 

Side note: I totally understand this. Everyone eventually has to go back to living their own life with their own responsibilities and jobs and families. I definitely get that. 

So how does this look then? How do you stay supportive when you do have to go back to your normal, day to day life?

Next time this mama drops into your mind out of nowhere:

>> Stop what you’re doing
>> And text them

That’s it! It doesn’t have to be anything major. You don’t have to call them. You don’t have to try to set up a lunch date. Just simply text them and let them know you’re thinking of them and you love them. 

It really is that simple!

And I can almost guarantee you that mama will need to hear from you at that exact moment to know she’s not alone. I believe the Holy Spirit brings people to your mind at a moment that person really needs to hear from you. 

Everything happens for a reason

This statement is something that you think might be helpful because it sounds good. It sounds like something you should say as a Christian. But losing a child is not just a normal trial that you have to walk through. The hurt and the pain are so much deeper. 

Growing up in church, I always heard this statement and I’ve even said it before in different situations. And while I do believe that this statement is true, in this particular situation of child loss, I don’t believe it’s helpful. 

As a grieving mother, it’s hard to wrap our minds around there ever being a reason good enough to lose our child. 

The question “why” is something that we struggle with a lot and I believe we won’t fully know the answer to that question until we get to heaven. So saying it happened for a reason when we’ll never fully know that reason is not helpful. 

What TO Say to a Grieving Mother

I know you’re thinking, well okay Courtney, what do I say? You told me all these things not to say, so what in the world do I say to a grieving mother?

Let me tell you.  

I’m here for you.

I feel like this statement is one of the most helpful things that could be said to someone who has just lost their child. I think this statement might not be the first to come to your mind because you think it might not be helpful. You think you need to come up with something deeper and more meaningful to say. 

But I can honestly tell you some of the most helpful text messages I got after losing Sam simply said: 

• I was thinking of you. 
• I’m here for you. 
• I’m praying for you. 
• I can bring a gallon of ice cream over and we can eat it on the couch together and cry. 

That’s it. When you say “I’m here for you” it lets them know that they are not alone. They don’t have to walk this hard road of child loss alone. And that is the best feeling ever. 

This actually goes back to the second thing I talked about above, if you randomly think of this mama in your life, stop what you’re doing, and text them. And all you literally have to say is: 

I’m here for you. 

I do want to say that this is just as important seven years after they’ve lost their child as it is one month after they’ve lost their child. 

This journey that we have to walk doesn’t end. The pain never fully goes away because we have to live our whole life without our child. 

So if it’s been 10 years and they drop in your mind and you’re thinking, oh well that was so long ago and I haven’t texted them in so long about this – I promise you all that doesn’t matter.

Text them. Text them if it’s been 10 days, 10 months, or 10 years. 

That is the most helpful thing that you could say to someone who has just lost their child, no matter the length of their grief journey.

Say their name

The next thing that you can say to a mom who has just lost her child is their child’s name. Hearing someone say Sam’s name out loud is like music to my soul. 

I think it’s because our children aren’t here and so we don’t get to hear their name on a day to day basis like we would if they were here. 

I’m not saying:

• Sam pick up your toys
• Sam why did you jump from the counter to the couch
• Sam why did you jump off my bed naked and run in the other room

All of these things literally happened, lol

We don’t get to say their name or hear their names said out loud in our day to day life, so getting to hear their name being said is like music to our ears and soul. 

Don’t be afraid to say their name thinking that you’ll make that mama sad or make them remember that their child isn’t here. Because I promise you there’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t know Sam is gone. 

You’re not going to remind them and you’re not going to make them sad hearing their child’s name. 

Stories about them

>> Do you have a story about their child?
>> Something funny that makes you laugh when you think of it?
>> A touching story that warms your heart? 

Share these stories with this grieving mama! 

You can just say, “Courtney, do you remember that time that Sam took the icing off of the cupcake and tried to rub it all over me and then I started running away and he started chasing after me with cupcake icing on his hands trying to rub it on me?” (again, that literally happened with one of my friends)

Share those stories. Even if you’ve shared it a hundred times before. Share it again and again. 

Since we don’t have new stories to talk about, all we have are these old ones. And we love hearing them as many times as you want to tell them. It’s a little way that we can keep our children alive – through these shared stories.

You’re praying for us (and actually do it! It helps so much!)

This last thing that you can say is so very helpful. Telling your mama that you’re praying for them (and then actually praying for them) helps more than you will ever know, especially in those early days.

Now I know, saying “I’m praying for you” sounds like just a Christian thing to say, but you have no idea how crucial it is for this mama in your life to have your prayers.

I KNOW that the prayers of my family and my friends are what helped me get through those first days and weeks after losing Sam. I know this because there was no way that I could have had enough strength on my own to pray for myself. There were literally no words that could form in my brain to form prayers. 

It was literally the prayers of my friends and my family that held me up during those early days and weeks. 

But even if it’s not the early days of their grief journey, they still need your prayers! There are always going to be hard things that we have to go through, no matter how long we’ve been on this journey. 

So no matter when it is, if the Holy Spirit drops this mama in your heart…stop. Say a prayer for them. And then text them and let them know. 

I know that will be so helpful for the grieving mama in your life. 

And if you’d like to take an extra step to show your support beyond your words and prayers, you can find my list of Best Sympathy Gifts to Offer Comfort and Support to help you choose a meaningful gift that reminds her she’s not walking this journey alone.

More Ideas for Making it Through Your Grief Journey

I hope these gave you some ideas of what to say and what not to say to someone in your life who has just lost a child. 

Now stop reading, get out your phone, and let this mama know that you’re thinking of them and you love them. Tell them a story of their child. Say their name. 

This grief journey that we are on is so hard and so lonely, but I know that this mama will be so thankful for you. That you’re willing to walk in this messy part of life with her. That you’re not scared to get your shoes dirty and walk with her on this very hard, very broken, very messy road. 

Looking for something you can do for a grieving mom? Here are some ideas:
10 Thoughtful Comfort Gifts for Moms Missing Their Child
What To Do For Someone Who Just Lost Their Child

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